Saturday 24 January 2009


I can breathe now, my heart isn't pounding and I don't have that feeling of dread falling into my chest.

We're having a quiet day. No shopping, no walking, no going out at all apart from a short trip into the garden to feed the birds.

I feel a little more peaceful away from the toxic workplace on our nice big comfy sofa.

I do however have a lovely sinus headache from all the crying yesterday; first at Area manager, then at my doctor (who, rather sweetly, is reluctant to write anything other than "low mood" on my sick note) and after that, at my Mum and Dad. (Although I did end up making my Mum cry with laughter I'll have you know)

I would like one day to be able to express my grief without crying. I can do it here (mostly), I can do it in my head (mostly) but (mostly) not out loud. I have the telephone number for a free counselling after loss service. I just have to call. Easy, right?

Cure for sinus headache? Microwave a damp towel and drape attractively over face. WARNING! Do not microwave damp towel to the point where it steams several layers of skin from your face: Not attractive.

Today we've already watched a movie (City of Ember) and now Ray is shooting zombies in the face and I'm browsing, making notes, browsing, making cups of tea and browsing. Every so often Ray does his serial killer laugh after gunning down several soldiers/zombies/mutants and I do wonder...


  1. I saw your link on my blog and came over to read. I have been reading all day now and I am so caught up in the story of your son and your loss. I am so sorry, but I wanted you to know that I think you are amazing. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are doing so well. You have so much strength. I know some days feel like you have nothing left, but that is more than normal. You will always carry George with you in your heart, but one day the weight will be less painful.

  2. That call is not easy to make, but I suspect that the folks on the other end of the line will do their best to make it easy once they pick up. Though phone counseling, in the end, was not as helpful to me as therapy has been, it was the first time that I knew that a real live person was there to hear me talk and talk and talk... You can do it- and you deserve all the love and support you can get.

  3. Yummysushipajamas, many many thanks for reading! I'm reading your blog too and wishing all good things for you.

    Danielle, the call is going to be hard because I've always kept things to myself but I will do it! And it's to make an appointment to sit down with someone who understands and can maybe help me eventually talk without crying.


  4. Oh, dear Barbara, you all are in my thoughts and I'm glad you are having some quiet time. Reaching out the first time (second, third, thirtieth, whatever time) for counseling is never easy. Giving you a (Hug) and sharing a cuppa with you in blogland.

  5. Sending you hugs & strength to make the call...I know it's hard, but getting back into therapy has been a very important part of my healing.

  6. Barbara, I found it extremely hard to talk without crying.... I walked around for months with a lump in my throat. I just long to talk to a mother in person who knows my pain. As much as I love to talk to all my precious internet girlfriends it would be nice to give one a hug... if you get what I mean.

    You and George are in my heart




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