Tuesday 13 January 2009

Home and safe.

"What's for dinner Poppet?" My not so subtle hint that I really don't want to cook tonight.

"Oh I don't know, I'll have to see what's in the freezer." Poppet goes to look in the freezer, comes back, sits down.

10 minutes later the buzzer sounds.

"Who the hell is that? Bet it's him from next door wanting his laptop fixed again."

Poppet comes back 2 minutes later with lovely Indian takeaway food ordered just before I got home. My treat for getting through today.

Hooray! I love my poppet.

My day wasn't great but it wasn't awful despite what I'm about to tell you. I walked in the office and my boss and colleague said hi, how are you and walked out one after the other. Seriously! The area manager turned up unexpectedly five minutes after I arrived and I'm glad she was there.

I work for a major British charity that has shops in many UK towns. We receive donations from the public which are sorted, cleaned and priced. The shop normally has two paid members of staff and as many volunteers as can be recruited. At the moment our shop has three paid members of staff and lots of volunteers.

Ms Area manager got the three of us together in the office to get anything we wanted to say in the open. One colleague (the one I've mentioned before that I don't like) said she didn't want to talk about babies all day and I must realise that I'm not the only woman to have gone through this. My boss said that she didn't want to talk about it either. At this point I realised that I really don't want to share my George with these people: they don't deserve him! and so I said fine, but they must remember that it has happened to me, it's the worst thing that has ever happened to me and I can not hide my pain for their benefit. I cried a bit.

Things were as I expected after this. I got on with whatever I was asked to do. I laughed with some of the volunteers. My dear friend Tracy who volunteers and who so totally gets it without having gone through it came in at 11am and said how good it was to see me and how glad she was that I was back. I had no such welcome from the other two.

Ray came for me at lunch time and we sat outside on a cold bench getting some fresh air, weak sunshine and eating sandwiches. We joked about how useless boss and colleague are at being human.

I did my work and at the end of the day, the area manager thanked me, told me I'd worked hard and said welcome back. Nothing from boss.

I'm so very glad that I gave myself permission not to worry about not caring because I really don't care. I could have let those two hurt me but I didn't. It's great, I don't care what they think! I don't care that they seem to think I'm wallowing in my pain. I don't care that they excluded me from some of their conversations. I honestly found that quite funny. These people are so flawed that I wonder how I ever expected any compassion from them!

What I've realised is that I absolutely do not want to work there any more but right now I have to. I'm doing what Sally said, working towards the goal of bringing my baby home and I'll probably have to stay in this job so I can use my maternity benefits and the sooner that happens the better.

Four days working this week: Monday (sick), Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday.

Today I think I can deal with that. I can.


  1. It's odd how these compassion-less people work for a charity...

    good job! This bring sin to focus how many people one has to deal with day-to-day that don't really care about each other. I now have a very low tolerance for other people's drama...

  2. What an insightful comment from Ya Chun about those compassionless losers at a charity. I'm so proud of you for taking care of yourself and very happy Poppet got you some takeaway food. Indian food, yum.

  3. You did it! One day down!

    Pardon my english but fuck your boss and co-worker. You are so right, Barbara - why would you even WANT to share George and his beauty with these people. Fuck them. Simply fuck them.

    I am glad that you have friends among the volunteers.

    I wish I could remember who said this to me (was it you?) but these events - in one ways they expose our hearts in ways never imagined, make us vulnerable and at times weak, but in other ways, we are bulletproof. What MORE, what WORSE could happen?

    You, my love, are bulletproof. Don't you forget it.

  4. OK- typing with my jaw on the floor at how much these people SUCK (and laughing ruefully at how well Ya Chun hit the nail on the head), but so proud of your bravery, of your ability to laugh, of the strength of your spirit. Can't wait for the day when you can give notice and go home to be with poppets, big and little and healthy and loving and YOURS.

    You did it!

  5. I can't believe that your boss and co-worker said that! I can't believe that any 'lay' person would even think we would want to talk baby all day (don't people normally think they are only allowed to talk about anything BUT babies?). But I'm glad they did because I agree that George is way too special to be sharing with the likes of them!
    Well done and great surviving ;-) proud of you ... x

  6. The "firsts" are never easy, & I know going back to work was a BIG one for me -- glad you got through your first day OK! (And lol to Ya Chun, what a perfect observation!)

  7. Ok... all I am going to say is well done that you didn't explode on the spot! If someone had of said that to me I think I would have walked out and never returned. You are awesome Barbara, I am so proud of you for not caring!

    I am so glad to hear that Ray is the biggest sweet heart alive!

    Love to you dear friend

    Carly x

  8. Hooray Ray! He got you food...knowing you would not be in the best of your moods!

    Hey, have you heard of Vipassana Meditation? I wish there was a 'Ignore' button pasted on the foreheads of colleagues, so that we could not have to deal with them the way that makes us feel so inhumane.

  9. Every day I am amazed at how stupid people are. I should be used to it by now...

    Well done on going to work and not slapping one of them.. (Sorry, I am not a violent person) x



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