What follows is the worst of the worst.
Grief and depression slip hand in hand, sneak up from behind and with a shove, push you over the edge.
This is not how it is most of the time.
I just want you to know that.
You don't have to worry. I am just putting it into words I suppose as an exercise in self awareness.
The light will be turned on again tomorrow.
1. THE WORRY.
Ray is out visiting his friend, it's after midnight, don't send a text, don't call, don't make him feel bad for going out, he'll be home soon. Our neighbours back door is open while the landlord was airing the house (empty). First Sketch and then Lyx wander inside. Oh, what if the front door is open and they run into the street in front of a car or he locks them in and doesn't come back for days and they starve. They come to my call, I take them in. and shut the door.
2. THE PANIC.
Time has run out and my ovaries are withered little shrivelled grapes. We are going to live the rest of our lives as childless bereaved parents. Not in any way child free
3. THE FEAR
I wake early and he isn't moving. He's too still. I watch. His chest moves and I breathe out. There is a phone call at an odd hour. It is my mother with bad news. Oh, it's Ray's friend asking a favour. We're driving along a narrow lane and a car whizzes around a corner too fast, it hits us head on and we become a mangled heap of metal and soft tissue in the... it passed us easily within the next breath.
4. THE ANXIETY
Thoughts jumble and tumble over each other, none of them coherent. It's too crowded, It's too loud, I can't concentrate, I can't breathe, I can't remember, I cant move.
5. THE DEEPEST DARK.
I am useless and everything is pointless. If I wasn't so broken my children would be here.
I'm snuggled cosily on the sofa with a Poppet and a warm kitteh (the other is out hunting mice, leaves and clumps of grass), an order form for jewellers supplies (almost as much fun as the making), thoughts of dinner (a bit early but I'm already hungry), a small weight off my mind (in the shape of this post) and a nice cup of tea (made for me with love).