Monday 5 January 2009


I was doing well. We were getting out and about. Drives into the countryside were healing and soothing. I was feeling calm.

But today I just feel as if I've come down with a crash. I miss my son. I don't want to go out. My chest is crushing me. I want to go to sleep and wake up to find it's all been a bad bad dream and my belly is huge and George is kicking me in the ribs.

I started spotting and cramping last night, not a huge amount by any means but it's only 18 days since my monster period started so it shouldn't be happening at all. It's been 10 weeks since I gave birth to George and despite two rounds of antibiotics I've had an infection ever since the d&c a week later. I feel like crap and I'm off to see my doctor now to get the physical problems sorted out once and for all before my internal ladyparts are irreversibly damaged.

I was supposed to be going back to work tomorrow but I'm not. Just one more week and then I'll go back, I will.

This grief creature is bloody sneaky.

Today. I have nothing.


  1. Barbara, I'm sorry you have come crashing down. I have too. Thinking of you down here.

    Love Carly x

  2. I find that this journey of grief is like riding the scariest most unpredictable rollercoaster you could ever imagine. And it sneaks up like that...the minute you think you might just be the minute you come crashing down. Be gentle with yourself Barbara, its ok to come back to this place from time to time. And I do hope the doctor is able to solve the physical pain once and for all. xoxo

  3. Nothing wise to add here- but know that you are loved and thought of around the world. Hugs, and fingers crossed for the docs to fix this once and for all.

  4. Oh Barbara, I'm so sorry. It's so not fair that your body won't heal. You've got enough to worry about healing your heart.

    I wish I could give your doctors a kick in the shins. Thinking of you.

  5. Big ((Hugs)), I hope you are feeling better soon physically and emotionally after your crash.



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