I find myself panicky today.
I'm going back to work tomorrow and I don't want to. I feel like stamping my feet, rolling on the floor screaming, "I don't wanna, I don't wanna!"
I should have started my maternity leave at the end of December but I find myself returning to the job I would have left behind me for a year and possibly longer. But that's my sadness, it's intense, it's making me cry, I knew it would be there and it's not the reason I'm feeling panicky.
I'm feeling panicky because I find that I just don't care about the business. I don't care about the charity organisation that I work for. I don't care about sales targets, I don't care about doing a good job and oh my, I really don't care to hear the petty problems of certain people there who constantly gripe and moan about their lot in life.
I'm worried that the all new me might just tell these people exactly what I think of them thus creating an impossible working situation. I'm worried that my attitude will show and I will be unable to work there when we need the money. The money. Yes, that's the only incentive I have for going back.
A few times during my back to work interview on thursday I almost laughed when the area manager thought that throwing myself into work might be good for me or when she mentioned the exciting promotions coming up or when she talked about her passion for the business. Great. Good for you. I do not care.
What I do care about, what I do feel passion for are Ray, my lost son and our families. I care about getting my body fixed so that we can try to make another baby with love. I care about getting pregnant as soon as I can so I can get on with being a mother to a living baby. I feel enthusiasm for a small business idea that I need to save some money for to make happen. I don't feel enthusiasm for the job I'm going to do tomorrow.
I know it's all normal and natural and I imagine that I will cope; that these concerns will come to nothing and I'll slip back into the daily routine of work.
Today I'm also getting ready for another monster period from hell to start tomorrow or wednesday and quite possibly this might be colouring my view.
I know- I don't care either, and I used to care quite a bit. Work got a tiny bit easier for me when I decided that I don't have to care- I just have to shower, get dressed, and show up. I do not have to be in a good mood. I do not have to be enthusiastic about what anyone else is enthusiastic about, or be bothered by the petty administrative problems that bother them. I do not have to care how anyone else's life turns out today. I just have to do it so I don't blow through all our savings now so I can go on maternity leave later and get some paid vacation time so Alan and I can escape to someplace warm and peaceful. And, amazingly, I find that once in a blue moon, I actually do care. And- also amazingly- sometimes being as irritated as I am by having to do this day in and day out is actually a welcome distraction. But that took a couple of months to get to.ReplyDelete
Make sure you have lots of paracetamol, a warm blanket, and chocolate waiting for you when you get home. Walk in your front door and go directly to Ray's arms and to comfort.
Danielle, you're so right! I used to care too and I've been so worried about not caring that I didn't realise that I don't have to care!ReplyDelete
I hereby give myself permission to not worry about not caring.
Just be easy on yourself. No expectations - ok? Just go, do your work and leave - like Dani said.ReplyDelete
Your internal motivation might come back over time...maybe not. Your life has taken a FOREVER NEW direciton so maybe your work will too.
thinking of you...xoxo
good luck and wells of patience for your first day back. hopefully it can slowly take your mind of 'all baby all the time'. just ignore the drama queens and take it easy on yourself.ReplyDelete
I think your idea about giving yourself permission not to worry about not caring is brillant. I mean alot folks don't give a rat'$ A$$ about their job and they haven't been through the hell you and Ray have been through.ReplyDelete
Barbara - you definitely don't have to care. I had the same reaction to returning to work, in fact threw the same temper tantrum the day before. And like you, it was concerns about money that in part drove my decision. But at this point, you get to pat yourself on the back just for getting dressed and arriving...nobody needs to know you don't give a shit and probably never will again. Just do what you need to do for you, and take good good care of yourself. Some days will be easier than others. And we're all here for the tears and remonstrations on the bad days. One thing I have done is be sure to carve out some time for blogging in my work day...it helps me feel connected and reminds me of what is important.ReplyDelete
Thank you all for helping me realise that I don't have to care. I feel much lighter thinking this.ReplyDelete
Ooh Sarah, I just had the thought of taking my macbook into work so I can stay connected to my bloglife... I can pick up McD's wifi from across the road... no no, I'll just spend all day online! Best just take a nice notebook.
Just look at it as "working towards bringing your next baby homne". Try and stash some money away that will help for all those nappies and other baby essentials you have to buy in the not too distant future. You're working towards a goal. Soon you will have an end date in sight! YOU CAN DO IT BARBARA!ReplyDelete
I think taking a nice notebook in is a lovely idea Barbara.ReplyDelete
Seriously who really cares about any job after losing a baby. I certainly don't... well thats a lie I care about my job that I do very much but it doesn't pay and I get so much out of it. But there is no way I would have any interest about doing any thing else.
Sending you love and hoping your monster period is just a minor and a surprise at that :)
I want to cut and paste exactly what Dani819 said. I used to care quite a bit. Now, not at all. But I am finding I'm not getting any less done (even though I am drafting blog posts in my head all day). My husband really helped me realize that most of the world goes to work without caring. Caring was simply a luxury I had before.ReplyDelete
And I love Hope's Momma's perspective: working towards bringing your next baby home.
My boss also said to (several) co-workers that throwing myself back into work might be the best thing for me. I am incredibly lucky to have friends at work that quickly and forcefully tried to dissuade her from that idea.