Friday 30 January 2009

The letter.

So I read the letter. It was nothing we hadn't discussed before. It didn't dissolve me into a puddle of tears. Apart from all the technical information the first sentence made it all more human. "the sad loss of her baby at 20 weeks of pregnancy." It did mention that my fibroid-uterus measured 14 weeks on 16th December, 6 weeks after losing George. I don't know why, but that fact made me breathe deeper. On that date of my last scan the three evilfibroids measured 66mm (submucosal), 55mm and 50mm (intramural). I am carrying three small nectarines. The biggest bastard evilfibroid was indenting into George's gestational sack.

"Barbara has been reassured that the pain she is experiencing is a normal result of post-pregnancy fibroid shrinkage and continuing degenration" I'm reassured? Oh.

I'm having a HyCoSy scan, not the HSG. And apart from one being ultrasound and the other being xray, as far as I can tell the major difference is that we get the results straight after. But whatever they call it, it's still someone poking about and peeking into my ladyparts yet again.

I have NO dignity left, hell if some healthcare type were to say, "spread 'em" I would probably quite meekly comply. I have lost count of the numbers of latex covered fingers that have prodded and peered around said ladyparts*. A particular image of a lovely smiley midwife with a huge torch springs to mind. That same midwife came to see me, Ray and George just after his birth and hugged me so tightly, telling me how beautiful my son was.

*I'm not a prude and I can use technical terms, yes I can; vagina, vulva, uterus, see. I was given a bed bath by a teenage nursing assistant whilst in hospital the second time and she shyly asked me if I could manage to wash my ladyparts by myself... er, I have two cannulas in each arm, hooked up to a bag of blood, a rehydrating drip and a pain killing drip (the other cannula was a spare)... umm... I don't think so. Anyway, I thought the term was rather twee and sweet. Much like myself... ahem.

Where was I? Oh yes.

So what scares me most is having the scan and being told, "Oh my, how on earth did you get pregnant in the first place, it's such a mess in there".

What I'm hoping for is, teeny tiny day surgery, zapped/strangled/sliced evilfibroid, maybe some nice diamorphine after please? Pregnant a month after. No problem! Whoopee!

Yeah right, most likely somewhere in between.

And this pic just for your information (I only have one uterus by the way):


  1. Evilnastystinkingfibroids! Somehow I've gotten little comfort from the medical explanations...the medical why just doesn't help answer the real question WHY. xoxo

  2. Glad it wasn't as bad as you thought to read the letter. I'm with Sarah- its an explanation, but it doesn't really answer anything. By the way, I always assumed "ladybits" was a Barbara original- thanks for the back story!

  3. I wish you all the best to get these eviloids removed pronto and be pregnant with a healthy babe delivered full term squalling and pink into you and Ray's waiting arms.

  4. No. it doesn't make it any easier knowing possible reasons why.

    But there's something treatable in there that gives me the hope that I might get to carry a baby all the way home.


  5. Okay that was a few big steps taken today. I'm glad there's some information that helped and the letter was what it was so that you are what you feel now.

    I'm touched by the actions of the midwife, that is humanity in action with the compassion she showed.

    Press on with the get well plan and one day those Evilnastystinkingfibroids will have it's day.


  6. I know how humiliating it is to have to "spread em" Barbara.... I don't even want to count the time I have had to do that and with Sam in the room aswell............ kill me now.



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