Thursday 30 April 2009

Outmoded forms of transport

"I say old chap, good posture in ones carriage just cannot be taught.
One is simply expressing ones superiority"

"I have to wear this ridiculous frilly poofy nappy 'cos it's just not as comfy as the pram.
Oh how I've come down in the world"

"And, look, no suspension, do you see what I have to put up with!"

"And then they lifted me up like this and just dropped me down here!"

Wednesday 29 April 2009

The deal

Dear Hormones, ovaries, follicles, womb and evilfibroids (boo)

If you will just play nicely and straighten yourselves out for a few more months and allow me to conceive, carry and give birth to a living baby made with love who I can take home in a car seat and not in a tiny box I will give you full permission to wreak whatever havoc you will with my body afterwards.

Put me into premature menopause, give me 45 day cycles, hell give me 55 day cycles, give me a hairy chin and a humped back I don't give a shit! (well maybe I do give a shit about the last two)

But please, for the love of all things... all things motherly. Let me have one living child (twins would be nice too but I'm not sure there would be enough room for them and the evilfibroids so, you know, moderation and all that).

Lots of love and hugs and all that (and even more to you out there for letting me know that my paranoid death fantasies are perfectly normal)

(coming soon; Dear sperms {pun intended})

Tuesday 28 April 2009

Morbid thoughts of death

Ray goes out to visit his friend, tells me he'll be gone a couple of hours and at the end of a couple of hours I start imagining the car wreck that he's got himself in. My Mum calls sounding a bit stressed and I imagine my Dad being rushed to hospital. The kittens... even the kittens dammit... are quiet in the morning instead of mewing outside our door and I imagine two tiny corpses lying on the kitchen floor.

This is not me.

It's not all pervasive but it annoys me that these awful thoughts occasionally skitter about my head leaving me with a sinking feeling in my stomach. I don't need this right now when I'm trying to find the relax-and-ye-will-conceive setting.

Oh yes, and just to add to the gloom of today, all the veg seeds I planted in the garden were dug up by a neighbourhood cat or chewed on by slugs.

On the plus side the rose we bought at the same time we bought the bulbs to plant in George's place is growing beautifully. It comes from a grower called David Austin where my grandfather used to help out, or perhaps volunteer in it's beginnings. If you like roses this is where to order from. They post overseas. I can't wait for it to bloom.

Tomorrow will be better. I will stop thinking these thoughts. I will sleep well. I will chill out. You will send conception vibes my way... well, can't blame me for trying that one.

Monday 27 April 2009

An hour in the life of a boy kitteh

Hey dad, you lost your furry chin. There's sandpaper underneath. Was it the vet? I've heard scary rumours about the vet, hope they aren't true. Dad?

Come on tv game dude, run faster.

I have my very own box. Boxes are good. I like boxes. You can do stuff in boxes. You can do stuff upside down in boxes.

Girl dude, this is my box, mine, mine, mine, find your own.

Awww I'll wash my foot and clean the food from my nose later... shhhhhh... must sleeeeep now...

Coming soon: an hour in the life of a girl kitteh.

Kittens names: Lix and Sketch, definitely, for sure. Probably.

Sunday 26 April 2009

The depths of my shallowness

Ray shaved his beard off last night. He disappeared for a while and came back naked-faced and grinning. He does it to prove to himself that he's not one of those guys who are so attached to beardedness that they can't shave. Ever.

It's only the second time I've seen him without his facial decoration and I can't help but stare. I think it's putting him off. It also feels quite odd kissing him. I think it's putting him off because I keep wiggling my lips around his naked upper lip.

I see George in the shape of that upper lip even more today.

Am I shallow? I love that man's face to bits and pieces but I can't wait for the beard to grow back and for Ray to look like Ray again. It won't take long: he's a rather lazy shaver.

And no, I couldn't get within a mile of him with my camera.

Saturday 25 April 2009

Random scanned photo in lieu of words

My dad aged about 14 in his first smart suit. Probably a hand-me-down from his dad.

Friday 24 April 2009

The cure

Guys, guys... hey kitty cats! I have hormones and I neeeeeeed chocolate! Can you get me some pleeeeease!

"Huh? Wuh? Why don't you chew some cardboard, it's yummy!"

"Well I'm a bit busy helping dad with his overclocking at the moment... although I much prefer watching him play GTA 4..."

"Lets make a list. I'll write it down if you get some paper and we'll go shopping..."

Don't eat it all at once...

Umm... can I try some?

Todays kitten names: Sketch (boy) and Licks (girl)

Thursday 23 April 2009

Finding the balance (and the search for the super-fertility-non-babyloss formula)

There comes a point where you have to "move on" (argh! Stop throwing things at the monitor!) No no, not the leave your dead baby on the side of the road and wave mournfully over your shoulder one last time as you turn around and "put it behind you" and "forget" sort of moving on.

No. The trick healthy approach seems to be moving on with the sweet memory of your baby and the love he/she inspired by your side (behind you ear, in your pocket, wherever these things reside) and leaving the horror and the pain by the side of the road, not looking back too often and not waving.

If any one has figured out how to do that can they let me know?

And if anyone knows the sure-fire-guaranteed way of getting pregnant NOW (well, when my period has finished please) and staying pregnant until the screaming bit (baby screaming bit) could they let me know and we'll make a fortune together?

I'm hellishly hormonal today and super crampy. Remind me again why I wanted my period back?

Today's kitten names: Sketch (boy) and Licks (girl)

Wednesday 22 April 2009

The return of the wanderer

Day 45 of the never ending cycle and.... Da da dahhhh! My period has started, or I think it has, or I'm almost entirely sure it has. I'm glad, I'm sad, I'm hormonal... I think.

I knew that as soon as I even imagined the possibility of thinking that there might be a chance of the remote concept of conception it would arrive. Yup.


Day 1.

And just to cheer us all up me up, some kitteh biznis.

Owww muuuum, I don't wanna have my picture taken again...

I'd much rather chew your camera... can I can I can I???



Today's kitten names: Trouble and Strife.

Tuesday 21 April 2009

Today I miss my son

I miss the things we would be doing with him.

I miss him watching our kittens.

I miss him taking over our lives and filling our home with even more chaos.

I miss falling in love with him every day, all over again.

I miss him snuggling with us in bed in the morning.

I miss taking him out on an adventure.

I miss watching his dad kiss his nose.

I miss my George every day.

Monday 20 April 2009

Mish mash

Our dad made us a really cool fort.

Our dad is really cool.

Still no progress with the names, thank you for your suggestions. Why do I have to keep on seeing the dad that might have been/could be when Ray plays with or talks to a kitten??? It's quite distracting.

Still no sight of the missing period, <.sarcastic tone.> thank you oh gods of menstruation, this is payback for all the years when I didn't want a period isn't it, hmm? Now I'm wondering if I just skipped one and ovulated a few days ago and hey, maybe I'm pregnant and in a week and a half when my period would be due; it won't turn up... ah ha ha ha... my humour just cracks me up sometimes. <./sarcastic tone.>

And finally. We went over Dartmoor today and found a bit that we hadn't been to before. There's so much space up there and the wild peace and beauty of the place blows the stress from your head. In a couple of months it will be heaving with tourists and we'll probably hibernate in our garden for a while!

The sound on my camera is baaaad and that's the wind you can hear and not my heavy breathing and if you're wondering where Ray is hiding well, he's right behind me... all the way round.

Sunday 19 April 2009

Frank and Missy say...

Frank says, "If my name is Frank why do you keep calling me Little Fellah?"


"Look, either I'm Frank or Fellah. It's not rocket science... jeez and I thought humans were supposed to be smart. In fact I'm not sure I like either of them"

Well what do you prefer?

"I don't know do I? I'm a kitten for goodness sake; I don't have the capacity for rational thought. Do you always talk to yourself?"

Missy says, "I don't think my name suits me either and when I heard Dad say it sounded like the name an old lady would give to her silly handbag dog well... I was quite offended.

He didn't think you were listening.

"Well of course I wasn't. I'm a kitten for goodness sake, I don't understand the nuances of the English language, I can barely understand the word 'No'. Sheesh, I thought you humans were intelligent."

*sigh* back to the drawing board.

When when when we have a live-baby-in-our-arms I hope it doesn't take this long to name him or her. We didn't have a name picked out for George, lots of possibilities but no name, well we had plenty of time... When I cried for our tiny dead baby to have a name, Ray chose. And he chose well.

Saturday 18 April 2009

Falling in love all over again...

...watching Ray gently playing with our two kitties... *sigh* I can't quite explain it; it's the tenderness I think and somehow I see the father he would have been... will be... and it brings me to tears of love.

Our kittens arrived yesterday afternoon. In three days they discovered three new places (my brothers flat, my Mum and Dad's flat and our house.) They wondered at first if they were stopping or moving on again but finding a dirt tray and plenty of food they thought they might as well settle and proceeded to scatter toys and bits of paper all over the living room. They spent the night under the stairs snuggled into Ray's work Parka and at 7.30 I let them into the bedroom where they killed the duvet and various socks. We have a brother and sister and we will be watching them very carefully as they grow and neutering them when they are old enough.

I apologise in advance for the hundreds of kittiepics that you will be bombarded with over the coming months... they are soooooo sweet!

Meet Frank. (named by me)

Frank is the quintessential bachelor boy about town with the cutest pink nose in the world.

He enjoys scrunched up pieces of paper and diving onto his sister when she is trying to use the dirt tray. He likes to sleep next to a human ear. And that cat in the mirror keeps on looking...

Frank is a little shy and is easily lead.

Frank says "30000eeeeeeee3eeeeeeeerrr22222222222222222222256"

Meet Missy (named by Ray)

Missy is an explorer par excellence with the sweetest whitest whiskers in the world.

Missy is the first to try something and she is the boss. She is more gentle with her humans than Frank and doesn't try to rip their hands to shreds.

She enjoys rustly plastic bags and hissing at Frank. She likes to sleep near to a human elbow.

Missy says, "uuuuudddddsssssssssddddd"

I like kittens ears.

Frank shows my slipper who's the boss and Missy shows Frank who's really the boss.

Missy and Frank clean the dust from behind the door...
these cats are really going to show us up!

They have taken over our house and our hearts. As I type this Frank is snuggled up on Ray's shoulder and Missy is wedged in beside me twitching in a dream of dangly, twitchy, scrunchy, chasey things.

I look at these kittens and wonder if they would still be with us if we had George with us. Probably not. We were planning on getting a cat at some point but when we got pregnant we put it on hold.

How things change.

I hope these kitties get to meet George's sister or brother one day in the not too distant future.

Then we'll be a proper family of 5!

Friday 17 April 2009

Tiny bundles of fluff

The kittens are currently draped over Ray.

They are sooooooooo cute!

Perfect therapy and entertainment all rolled into two fluffy kitties.

Still trying to get photos... they won't keep still enough not to blur... and now that they are we don't want to blind them with flash.

I will definitely post photos tomorrow.

Oh yes, day 41... *sigh*

Martha, thanks for your input. That was what I was hoping, it's good to hear it really happens and it's not just a figment of my imagination!

Have you any idea how difficult it is to burn a tampon?

Well neither did I till I tried! I wonder if there's flame retardant in them? And if so why why why??? It took ages!

I think of it as a sacrifice to the gods of what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-cycle?!

So here we are on day 40 of the never ending cycle.

I need Sherlock Holmes to investigate *cue dramatic Victorianesque music* "The case of the missing period"

I've tried planning a hot night of passion, I've tried a hot night of passion.. ahem... I've tried ignoring it, pah see if I care... I've worn my best knickers and left my emergency tampon (now burnt) at home. I'm trying acupressure now, thank you for the links Danielle, I'm squeezing my liver into submission gently pressing on certain points with calm serenity.

Meditation? Oh yes, I'm trying to "imagine a healing energy filling my ovaries and womb and seeing my reproductive system filling with the glowing light of strength energy and power"... or somesuch.

Humour? Youbetcha. If I didn't laugh I'd cry.

This isn't how it was supposed to be.

Maybe kittens will trigger it?

Thursday 16 April 2009


Tonight we dashed out to see the sunset and Alisha, I was thinking of you and your sweet Clarence on this day that should have been different. These are for you.

With love.


Dear Danielle

A huge heap of love for you on this difficult day.

For Kai.

Love you.


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