Wednesday 21 January 2009

Misery lies within

Each morning that I have to get up and go to that place I feel miserable. Once I'm there I try to tuck my misery into a corner of myself and just exist. This can't be right.

Today was bad. I cried before I went there and whispered to Ray, "I hate it". "I know." he said. But I've resolved to give myself some more time so I went. Once there a volunteer who hadn't been around for a long time said, "where's your baby?"

"He died and I lost him."

The poor girl looked so shocked and I don't blame her, she'd let loose the tears that I'd choked down earlier. When I was calm I did tell her to please not feel bad, that she didn't make anything worse and she didn't upset me because I'm already so upset. Boss's remedy? Go and have a cup of tea.

And my infection is back. It was hiding behind my period. Sneaky bastard.

I would have been 33 weeks pregnant today.


  1. Oh, Barbara. I am so sorry it's so rough there. And the infection can't make it any easier. Draft of your resignation letter ready and waiting whenever you want it.


  2. 33 weeks. Huge sigh Barbara. I wish George was still tucked inside you, kicking away. I really, really do. And it is easy for me to say as my situation is different, but do you have to keep working there?

  3. Thanks Danielle, I think it might cheer me up to blog about that soon!

    Sally, thank you. Wishes wishes.

    I'm seeing my doctor on friday. I'll see how I feel then and might ask him to sign me off sick again for as long as he can.

    I'm trying to give it a bit more time because we need my wage as well as Rays but it's so tough. If I find that I really can't cope then we will cope.


  4. I am so sorry, Barbara for the stress of your work.

  5. Pretty much every day these days in my household begins with me lying in bed & asking David if I can just stay there all day, I hate going to work. And then someway, somehow, each day I manage to do it.

    33 weeks...I remember I felt untouchable...that is until the 5th day of that week when all went to hell.




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