Sunday 18 January 2009


I sent an entry into Exhale magazine and I thought I'd share it with you here. This was before I'd found my lovely new family of babylost mothers who help so much, when grief was still such a raw jagged wound and peace seemed as if it was lost forever.

The before jeans.

The first time I went outside a week after coming home from the hospital I wore a pair of jeans from before. They fitted perfectly after a couple of months of being put away until after. Just not this after. This after came too soon.

Wearing these jeans seemed to symbolise everything that was wrong and awful and incomprehensible and sad and monstrous and mysterious and frightful and frightening in my new life as mother to a dead baby.

The tears flowed and flowed as they are doing now writing this down for the first time. Another first. My partner and I stood by the side of the road wetting each others faces and necks with our mixed tears. He knew why I was crying without me telling him. He had noticed the jeans that didn't fit but now did. The strong healthy life that was there a week ago was gone. Thrown out by a body that couldn't hold him safe.

There were more firsts after that. Much harder firsts that I'm still dealing with as they slam into me. But that particular small first was the very first. At that moment I knew I would never be the same.

If you have a famous first to share, you could share it here or there or in your own blog.

Today I'm not at work and it feels good.


  1. Barbara, I just imagined myself standing on the other side of the road and see you and Ray standing there in an embrace that explained everything. I too have many firsts. Some bad and some good. My favourite first was the first dream I ever had of Christian. I turned it into a website.

    I hope that you have a beautiful first something to come.

    Love to you friend

    Carly x

  2. There are too many firsts to count...just sending you hugs for this beautiful post. xo

  3. Firsts are ours forever and they never stop, but - as others have said - they do become more tolerable. Some, someday - might even make you smile in your heart.

    I'm so glad you sent it to Exhale.

    Thank you for sharing it.

  4. It is imaginable to see you and Ray in grief, since there is so much about your relationship and its intimacy that flows through your blog. On another occasion, the prospect of fitting into an old jeans would have been such an elation. I am so sorry that it had to come back into your daily routine like this.

    My mind is all jammed up right now, so I can't recall, a famous first.

  5. What a sad but beautiful post. Too many



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