Sunday, 7 December 2008

Too much sadness.

We heard yesterday that Ray's sister's semi-estranged husband has died. I never met him and Ray has no good feelings for this man who beat his sister on occasion, gave her hep C, a child and introduced her to alcohol and drugs (sounds great eh?).

We picked up Ray's Mum and went to offer our love today. Oh but it was awful. A room full of this man's horrible drunken friends, laughing, swearing and talking rubbish. I felt so incredibly uncomfortable and I wanted to leave after a few minutes.

When Ray left that room to talk to his grieving sister I struggled with my own feelings. I felt almost abandoned, even angry at Ray for leaving me and I felt completely selfish. I sank into myself and counted the minutes until we could leave, one cup of tea, surely not two.

But it wasn't about my grief today, it was about Karen's and she needed her brother to her self for a while, so I sat there next to his Mum and listened to the drunks happily telling drinking stories in front of the 6 year old. Drinking stories about her dead father who drank himself to death.

We'll be going to the funeral not out of respect for this man but out of respect for Ray's sister's sadness. Her grief is real too and needs to be acknowledged.

When we finally left my head stayed in a strange place for quite a while. We got out of town and watched another sunset near the ruins of a castle. The cold open air and the bright moon seemed to absorb my negativity.

Today I was not on my best behavior.


  1. Oh my goodness, Barbara, what a difficult day. It sounds like you handled a bad situation really well. Being on one's best behavior is overrated.

    What a beautiful moon. I hope it's been a nice cleansing night.

  2. Sounds terrible and I'm sorry for everything, before and after his death. I sometimes feel like I'm more in touch with others grief now, now that I know, and I guess that's one thing we can offer to other people suffering. You`ll go for her. Because you know she needs you and Ray, and that`s love.

  3. I'm so sorry Barbara. But you know I'm sure no one expected you to be on your best behavior today. The fact you even went is huge. Very brave of you. Thinking of you xo

  4. It was a pretty tough situation that you were in. It is very good that you did not lose your cool and maintained your composure. Be there in the funeral. Can you do something to ensure that your nephew/niece and SIL is kept away from 'those' people?

    Anyways, sometimes we have to do things for the sake of other's happiness. Be there because K needs you.

  5. Did you click that picture of the moon?

  6. Wow, thank you all for your comments. I felt selfish thinking about myself when it was so much fresher for Karen but no, I can't switch my own grief off for others it's always there.

    I don't know if we can do anything to keep her and her children away from those people. We'll try to help however we can.

    I took that picture of the moon from the castle, fortunately I had a tripod and a long zoom. It was a crisp frosty evening and the moon was SO beautifully bright.

    You guys are SUCH a help.


  7. Barbabra, I think you are a re very selfless woman to go with your husband. Praying his sisters can stay away frm the drunks, sounds like a terrible environment.

    The photo you took is incredible...i'm not just sayng that I am always wanting to capture a photo of the moon like that....

  8. Well, the photo is absolutely beautiful!



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