Too much sadness.

We heard yesterday that Ray's sister's semi-estranged husband has died. I never met him and Ray has no good feelings for this man who beat his sister on occasion, gave her hep C, a child and introduced her to alcohol and drugs (sounds great eh?).

We picked up Ray's Mum and went to offer our love today. Oh but it was awful. A room full of this man's horrible drunken friends, laughing, swearing and talking rubbish. I felt so incredibly uncomfortable and I wanted to leave after a few minutes.

When Ray left that room to talk to his grieving sister I struggled with my own feelings. I felt almost abandoned, even angry at Ray for leaving me and I felt completely selfish. I sank into myself and counted the minutes until we could leave, one cup of tea, surely not two.

But it wasn't about my grief today, it was about Karen's and she needed her brother to her self for a while, so I sat there next to his Mum and listened to the drunks happily telling drinking stories in front of the 6 year old. Drinking stories about her dead father who drank himself to death.

We'll be going to the funeral not out of respect for this man but out of respect for Ray's sister's sadness. Her grief is real too and needs to be acknowledged.

When we finally left my head stayed in a strange place for quite a while. We got out of town and watched another sunset near the ruins of a castle. The cold open air and the bright moon seemed to absorb my negativity.



Today I was not on my best behavior.