Tuesday 16 December 2008

The postmortem.

No, there wasn't one performed on George, he was perfect.

This was our first visit back to the hospital to see the obstetrician who performed the painful CVS test that told us that George didn't have Downes syndrome or Trisomy 18 when we were given a high risk; who was there to tell me what I already knew, that yes, my baby was dead; who was the one to stick needles in my ladybits because I just couldn't pee before I gave birth to our George. Who came back after the placenta came out to scan me and decided not to order a D&C which might possibly have prevented the week later rush to hospital.

I have very mixed feelings towards this woman and wasn't quite sure how I would react to her today.

However, she was kindness itself. Of course I burst into tears as soon as she asked me how I was, but then she held my hand and told me it would be abnormal if I didn't cry. She said I should cry. Ray held my other hand tightly.

We have no definite answers. It is possible that one of the three fibroids (which I didn't know about until my first scan) got in the way by growing inside the womb instead of in the wall of the womb and it's also possible that my body didn't absorb enough folic acid which makes for a healthy placenta.

So, I'm getting investigated. In January I'm having a special scan involving some sort of dye injection (I can't remember the details, it was all rather emotional) to see what the fibroids look like without the effect of pregnancy hormones and then we'll discus surgery or no surgery and perhaps get a second opinion (her words). And when, that's when we get pregnant again I'll be prescribed a high dose of folic acid and monitored closely.

She swabbed me to check for infection and gave me the gentlest internal exam I've ever had. My womb is still bigger than it should be but that's the largest of the three fibroids hanging around and causing the occasional crampy feeling.

My feelings towards this woman are no longer ambivalent. I feel reassured by her and I feel that I'm being cared for. That whatever stupid problems caused my sweet George to die are going to be addressed. I feel optimistic that all will be done to keep our next baby safe. We've been advised to not try to conceive until we have test results. This sucks, of course I want to be pregnant again as soon as possible.

But most of all, I feel so terribly, terribly sad that I'm not carrying our son any more.

I want to thank all of you who left such encouraging comments yesterday about the insensitive woman I encountered. I have not and I will not let her remarks dig too deeply into me. But I think that if I hadn't found this safe place to talk about my grief and pain it would have been very different. You all help me to be strong. Thank you.

Today was difficult.


  1. Barbara, I'm so glad the doctor's visit was affirming. I find the anticipation of these things is worse than the actuality, at least that's been my experience so far. It seems we'll all be treated with kid gloves *when* we are pg again.

  2. We're not going anywhere Barbara. We are in for the long haul as I don't feel there are any quick fixes here, for any of us. Sad and sorry bunch we are.

  3. Abiding with you as you and Ray miss your sweet son, George.

    It sounds like the doctor is supportive and helpful.

    ((Hugs)) sent your way.

  4. What an exhausing day - physically and emotionally. You are so brave and we know how badly you want to be pregnant again. Patience is not an easy virtue, is it?

    Hoping for quick and conclusive results so you can get trying!!!

    xoxo much love!

  5. So glad the doctor was gentle and patient, and that you left feeling well taken care of. Sounds like you were absolutely heroic getting through it.

    For future reference, if it's the dye test I'm thinking of, it's a bit sting-y and crampy- several aspirin first and a heating pad after are good to have on hand. No worse than a bad menstrual period, but no need to be unpleasantly surprised.

    We're all right here with you and hoping for good answers. Hugs.

  6. I'm glad it went as well as it could. I'm relieved they're getting to the bottom of it - it's nice to have answers rather than looming questions. We're here with you, Barbara - as Sally said, not going anywhere.

  7. I am so happy that today is over for you. It is all so traumatic.

    We did not have an autopsy done either Barbara. I think you are so brave, I refused any tests for or Christian.

    Keep writing, you a a big support group here and I guess we all just hold each others heads above the water :)

    Sending you love

    Carly x

  8. Was the dye test an HSG? That can be crampy, so you might ask for a valium or something to take before the procedure. Of course, I always think a valium is a good idea :)

    I'm glad the doctor was helpful and you are looking forward. Hope the time passes quickly before you can start trying again. Thinking of you.



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