Tuesday 28 April 2009

Morbid thoughts of death

Ray goes out to visit his friend, tells me he'll be gone a couple of hours and at the end of a couple of hours I start imagining the car wreck that he's got himself in. My Mum calls sounding a bit stressed and I imagine my Dad being rushed to hospital. The kittens... even the kittens dammit... are quiet in the morning instead of mewing outside our door and I imagine two tiny corpses lying on the kitchen floor.

This is not me.

It's not all pervasive but it annoys me that these awful thoughts occasionally skitter about my head leaving me with a sinking feeling in my stomach. I don't need this right now when I'm trying to find the relax-and-ye-will-conceive setting.

Oh yes, and just to add to the gloom of today, all the veg seeds I planted in the garden were dug up by a neighbourhood cat or chewed on by slugs.

On the plus side the rose we bought at the same time we bought the bulbs to plant in George's place is growing beautifully. It comes from a grower called David Austin where my grandfather used to help out, or perhaps volunteer in it's beginnings. If you like roses this is where to order from. They post overseas. I can't wait for it to bloom.

Tomorrow will be better. I will stop thinking these thoughts. I will sleep well. I will chill out. You will send conception vibes my way... well, can't blame me for trying that one.


  1. I will send conception vibes your way, but I really don't want to think too much about it. Ok!! He he he.
    And I can relate to the fears on death. Simon rides a bike to work and I'm always sure he'll come off the damn thing. And yes, I am afraid of the dog not waking one morning as well. You're normal Barbara.

  2. I hear you, loud and clear- for the longest time I was afraid to let Alan out of my sight and thought that every phone call was bad news. The world just seems to have so many more pitfalls and cliffs than it used to.

    Conception vibes being sent.

  3. Yep. me too. I was never a worrying before (I let that up to Triple S) but now... I do worry more. Mostly when he is later from work than he originally said. He should really stop telling me a too early time...

    It's gonna work for both of us next month (fingers crossed)

  4. Also sending conception vibes!

    It is strange isn't it, I see death everywhere now. I never used to. I worry about my husband and my daughter and even the stupid goldfish and the plants more than I used to. I just can't face anything else dying on me.

    Thank you for the beautiful tag, it really helped me at the memorial service on Sunday.


  5. Thank you for making me realize that I'm not alone. I freak out (internally) when Peter leaves to go to work. I actually have to force myself not to call and make sure he arrived in one piece. And in the evenings... If I get home first, I actually pace by the windows every 10-15 minutes to look for his car turning down our street.

    I am just sure something is going to happen... I dont know what, but something...

  6. I hope you can relax soon and I'm sending lots of baby dust your way!

  7. sending conception vibes...and i now have the superpower of imagining every and all ways in which every animal, baby and husband in my life could possibly mortally injure themselves in any given scenario. even sitting on the couch has become an extreme sport in my mind. not that you want my freakish brain to normalize you, but there you go.

  8. Barbara, thanks for your sweet note on my blog. It's strange and terrible to be entering into this community, but what a lovely gift to find so many who actually know what you're going through. I'm so sorry about George. Sending you hugs and conception vibes from Mozambique...

  9. Barbara,

    You know I am so paranoid about death. I still sleep in the same room as my girls. I say prayer every time they get into a car without me.

    I rarely let my babes out of my sight.

    I hear you on this one :)

    LOve you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  10. It's just me sending conception vibes.

    I can tell you that 12 years out, the death thoughts become less intense and less frequent. But, they are still there. In fact, losing my husband or one of my children is the ONLY thing that terrifies me. Just another shitty thing to add to the list of shitty things our losses have handed us.

    I wish I could tell you that the thoughts leave you completely. I can't. But like I said, after 12 years, they are not so frequent, and definitely not overwhelming and so intense. Breathing will get easier, I promise.

    Love you.

  11. Oh I know! My orphan lambs are two weeks old, and if they don't wake me with their maaing and baaing, then I fly out and disturb them from their warm sleeping place, because they simply MUST have died! Corpses everywhere. It's a continuous worry!




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