Monday 2 February 2009

In which I ramble, witter and burble again

It's cold here. There's snow in other parts of the county but we always seem to miss out on it. Ray has been standing at the window warming up on the radiator and watching out for the snow that doesn't fall. He has been observing a man across the road who cleans and polishes his car every day, sometimes twice a day. We think he is a serial killer who has to wash the blood off and get rid of the evidence. We watch too much CSI.

I'm now 6 days into my 4 pills a day routine and my lower intestine feels as if it's full of carefully-napped-by-a-skilled-artisan razor-sharp flint-axe-heads. Ooh ow ouch! This, apparently, is how my intestines run with NO bacteria present. Nice. I shall be guzzling the pre and probiotics as soon as this course of treatment is over and get some of the good guys running around my system again. As it is I have another 8 days of; when do I eat, what time is it and oops I forgot my iron pills for the 5th day in a row no wonder I'm out of breath and my legs are twitchy. Oh health why are you so elusive?

We are both suffering from insomnia at the moment. I say "we" because I can't sleep without Ray in the bed and he's not sleeping at the moment. 4am last night. 3am the night before. And I have my alarm go off at 7am to sleepily take my first pill of the day.

Last night I lay awake in bed feeling George's absence. I felt it in my belly, my head and my lungs. I lay there quietly, not crying and let the feeling wash over me. I'm still carrying my baby inside me.

Still working on the escape plan.


  1. I can't sleep with David in the bed either. Its either we both sleep or neither of us sleep.

    I know that physical feeling of my son's absence...its a pain for which there seems to be no remedy.


  2. I hope you and Ray get some rest soon. I am sending you a cake with a file so you can Escape ASAP.
    Fyi, CSI films near my house in Santa Clarita quite often.

  3. I hope sleep comes to you both soon.

    I had a dream about you and Ray last night, Barbara! I had your lost cat, and was wondering how I was going to get it across the pond to return it to you. I don't know anything about dreams, but I hope it was a good omen.

  4. I can't sleep if Alan's not there, either.

    Your serial killer sounds like he's straight out of "Penny Lane" to me- though your explanation makes for better daydreaming.

    George will always be a part of you- sometimes carried in your belly, but always carried in your heart.

  5. Thank you for your sweet comment on my blog.

    I'm so sorry for all the emotions your dealing with right now. The sum total sounds completely overwhelming. It can never be just one thing at a time, can it? I hope you at least are able to get some rest; I find that helps more than I realize.

  6. We have a sleep plan for tonight. Turn off computers/games by 10.30. Watch boring stuff. Go to bed at midnight and talk about boring things. Sleep.

    Sarah, it's strange feeling his absence physically. I'm learning to accept it now.

    Martha, thank you for the file... chocolate cake?

    Newt, that's just scary.

    Danielle, it just makes me realise how much Ray is now a part of me. Yes, as is George.

    Bluebird, many of us are dealing with this overload, it helps SO much knowing I'm not alone. Even though I sort of wish I were...

    You're all wonderful and so so supportive! Love to you all.


  7. Can you please send me a copy of the list of boring things? We could use some of those to talk about ourselves.

  8. that physical ache for our babies never seemes to go away.....

  9. Oh, why don't you send that man from across the street to me. I guess, I could give him good work to do! I wish a fast recovery for you from all that pain and when your escape plan is ready, do let me know.

    Hoping you guys get some good sleep in the coming days and thinking of George as well.

  10. Oh Barbara,

    I had insomnia. Its hard and horrible, I found my mind would just be buzzing with thoughts all night.

    Know I that when it is night time for you and when you can't sleep I am awake and thinking of you.... We are awake together.

    Sending you so much love.

    You will always hold your baby inside you.... it is where he lived It is the place he ever knew.




Related Posts with Thumbnails