Thursday 10 June 2010

Thoughts, hopes and fears

I feel as if we should have taken up where we left off. That I should have miraculously discovered that I was 21 weeks pregnant and only have another 19 weeks to go. That it would be only right and just. Yeah right.

The thought that I have yet to shake and really need to shake is that this Little Poppet will leave us at exactly 20 weeks and 5 days. And probably at 11:05. At the moment I can't imagine bringing this one home alive.

And yet I find myself wandering off on an internet tangent of finding the best cloth nappies or nice easy sewing patterns for baby clothes.

While shopping for my Mum's birthday we skirted close to the nursery section.
"I want to be able to shop there".
"It's too soon Poppet and we need to save some money first."
"Yes but I want it to be ok to shop..."

I need to get a hold of this tenuous thread of hope and hang on to it. I'm trying to avoid adding "if" to every thought.

I'm still waiting for my ultrasound appointment (NHS oftentimes = grrrrr) and I plan on hassling Dr Compassion tomorrow, and then the midwives...

I have to get some maternity bras. I now have only one comfy bra left and it's underwired. The only item of maternity clothing I bought last time was a pair of trousers off ebay that were miles too big. I think buying bras will be another act of hope.

The bumpy country roads around here make my boobs huuuurt! My Poppet is trying to drive more gently to save my boobs. Uh huh, yup, wheel spins in the gravelly car park just for the fun of it?

We keep talking about "last time" as in; I hardly had any nausea last time. I feel more optimistic that symptoms are different from last time.

Oh yes, and the spotting stopped just after my last post.

I think I'll get a ticker after my ultrasound.

233 days to go.


  1. It's all so hard... so complicated. You're doing a beautiful job of balancing hope and concern. Let yourself hope when you can, but know that it's natural, understandable, and alright to worry. Even moms who haven't lost spend a lot of time worrying. After a loss, you can't help it. As time passes, it will get easier for you to hope, and I promise I'm hoping enough for us all.

  2. wow, barb, i'm sure you have soooo many mixed feelings. but i am just damn pleased for you having made it this far that all i can say is YIPPEEE! thinking of you.

  3. isn't it a blessing to be having these feelings though.... so happy and anxious for you. it's a long, tough and bumpy ride... you'll make it. George is with you and his new little brother or sister all the way!

  4. I'm fully planning to do NO shopping at all until after this one is safe and home. Except maybe one outfit and a blanket, which I'd need even if the worst happens. It's early early days, I'm sending sticky vibes your way xxx

  5. Oh Barbara. I know that I will have a similar feeling if I ever fall pregnant again. That it will all end at the same gestation, at the same time.

    Hope that ultrasound appointment comes through soon. The NHS is almost a near perfect balance between infuriating and the bestest thing ever.

    Yay for the spotting stopping and wishing the next 233 days to pass uneventfully. Just a lovely, full-term, peaceful pregnancy with a healthy happy baby and mama at the end of it xo

  6. "Last time". I kept saying that as well. If I tried to say "when I was pregnant with Hope" I just got all choked up (bloody pregnancy hormones). So for nine months, she was sort of always referred to as "last time".
    Do you know what I think, maybe you can buy one little thing for this baby? I bought Hope the most beautiful knitted teddy when I was just four weeks pregnant. I thought it was a silly thing to do because "what if it all went wrong" (HAH, how little did I know at that point) but looking back, I don't regret it. I was happy to be pregnant, happy to know she was in there and I wanted to buy her something, even if I was a long way from the finish line. Whatever happens with this little one, you wont regret it if you buy him/her a couple of little things along the way. This is your baby, your second baby, and they deserve to be spoilt just like any other.
    Just my two cents. It doesn't mean you have to go out and fully stock the nursery or anything.
    Love to you. Love to Little Poppet.

  7. I can't imagine that if/when I get pregnant again I won't be comparing everything that happens in the pregnancy to my pregnancy with George too. In fact I am pretty sure that I will need my very own worry room where I can go when my crazy just gets to be a little too much for sane people to handle.

    I know I don't know you but you sure seem to be doing pretty well to me. Knicker-checking, if-adding, bra-buying all seems to be totally normal to me...

    I'm still sending you sticky baby vibes all the way from sunny Los Angeles.

  8. Right . There . With . You .


    And you know what, I'm NOT going to let my joy over this be stolen, so I FORCE myself to stop the 'if' and use 'when'.

    Not that I believe that my positive thinking will or will not affect the outcome (I was more positive than I've ever been in my entire life and look where that landed me)...

    ...but I don't want to look back on this and think I wasted a single second of it.

    So, every time we go to another successful appointment, Baby gets a little something. Not a lot, nothing bank-breaking....just a little piece of hope.

    And then I say many, many prayers that the pile I am collecting will not end up being donated.

    Because as much as I try to force myself, I still don't breathe easy.

    Thinking of you and can't wait for your ultrasound!!

  9. Sending lots of hugs and warm thoughts, and hoping that u/s comes soon!

  10. Kiss kiss, hug, hug from miles

  11. sending good thoughts to you, and wishing for a speedy u/s appt! as always, xoxo

  12. I don't have a last time, but I perfectly understand what you mean. I know that this time will go only one day at a time, but every day I do it...I am obsessed and all. Somehow DH's expectations, his gentle waking up to the idea of being a father...its all hugely adding up.

    Best wishes...have a great u/s and do get that ticker.

    Call me stupid, but I have already got two...I am just hiding them in all the icons...once I see the gestational sac, I would move them up...



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