Wednesday 20 May 2009


I feel as if I need to make some changes. To everything, to anything, to myself and to our home. I started with my blog, a simple thing but it felt good to sit down and work things out, to fiddle with and write some code and concentrate. My concentration lately has been, quite frankly, crap. I don't have the tidiest of minds in the first place but now it's getting ridiculous!

I sometimes feel as if I'm sinking into myself. I've been here before and as comfortable as apathy can be I don't want to rest here too long. Dammit I need to pluck my eyebrows and shave my legs and I just can't be bothered. So tomorrow I WILL do it.

I don't really like going out alone these days. I do go out, but I much prefer it when we go out as a team. Then I can hide behind Ray and let him do the talking for us. So tomorrow I'm meeting a friend for coffee (decaf) and I WILL chat about positive things.

I need to get back to me. To the me that doesn't care what anyone thinks. To the me that has enthusiasm for lots of things. To the me that can get things done.

I feel at times like a hormonal teenager having a tantrum on acid. So I'm trying the relaxation-prepare-your-womb-for-conception-your-ovaries-are-beautiful cd and the visualisation of better things and I WILL get to where I need to be.

I just wish I could WILL George back into our lives. Into his life.


  1. As is so often true, Barbara, I'm right there with you. This week begins my "one social contact a week without Alan if it kills me" plan, and also my visualization exercises about optimism and good outcomes. I'll trade good vibes with you.

  2. Love the new look. And hope you put your finger on what other little tweaks you might be able to make . . . I so understand the need for change. I haven't figured out what to do about it! But I get it. ((Hugs)) friend.

  3. I feel this too, Barbara. I really liked who I was before my daughter died and when I lost her, I lost me too. I really feel like I need a lift out of the apathy but I haven't worked out how quite yet.

  4. I really love the new blog look!
    You are so talented!!!! :)

    I'm sending conception vibes, get back to yourself but not sink into yourself vibes, and anything else really great I can think of!

    Lots of love to you!!

  5. "I just wish I could WILL George back into our lives. Into his life." I know this wish, this prayer, this cry. If only, we could bring them back to THEIR lives. Peace.

  6. OOOh, I like the new header. Alot.

    Sending positive energy your way. That advice actually sounded pretty good.

  7. Oh - how beautiful...the blog, the jewlery! Changes are inevitable and so is the mind-mush...sorry, it does dissapate!

    I'm soooo impressed with your code writing!!!



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