Saturday 5 March 2011

Five not very good things

What follows is the worst of the worst.

Grief and depression slip hand in hand, sneak up from behind and with a shove, push you over the edge.

This is not how it is most of the time. 

I just want you to know that.
You don't have to worry. I am just putting it into words I suppose as an exercise in self awareness.
The light will be turned on again tomorrow.

But sometimes...


Ray is out visiting his friend, it's after midnight, don't send a text, don't call, don't make him feel bad for going out, he'll be home soon. Our neighbours back door is open while the landlord was airing the house (empty). First Sketch and then Lyx wander inside. Oh, what if the front door is open and they run into the street in front of a car or he locks them in and doesn't come back for days and they starve. They come to my call, I take them in. and shut the door.


Time has run out and my ovaries are withered little shrivelled grapes. We are going to live the rest of our lives as childless bereaved parents. Not in any way child free.


I wake early and he isn't moving. He's too still. I watch. His chest moves and I breathe out. There is a phone call at an odd hour. It is my mother with bad news. Oh, it's Ray's friend asking a favour. We're driving along a narrow lane and a car whizzes around a corner too fast, it hits us head on and we become a mangled heap of metal and soft tissue in the... it passed us easily within the next breath.


Thoughts jumble and tumble over each other, none of them coherent. It's too crowded, It's too loud, I can't concentrate, I can't breathe, I can't remember, I cant move.


I am useless and everything is pointless. If I wasn't so broken my children would be here. 


I'm snuggled cosily on the sofa with a Poppet and a warm kitteh (the other is out hunting mice, leaves and clumps of grass), an order form for jewellers supplies (almost as much fun as the making), thoughts of dinner (a bit early but I'm already hungry), a small weight off my mind (in the shape of this post) and a nice cup of tea (made for me with love).


  1. Oh, I hear you. And, while I'm thinking about it, thanks for mentioning the thing about child-free. I know it's the PCterm. I know that is how it feels for some people. But it never will be that for us. There is no freedom in this.

    I am glad today is full of snuggles and tea.

  2. It's awful when these times come, and they do for so many of us. These feelings will pass again soon! Hugs until they do.

  3. I think the term child-free is so cruel for people in your situation - this was certainly not your choice and I know all of us would do anything to change your situation for you in a heartbeat. The term doesn't fit you at all.
    Just want you to know I am thinking of you and sending so much love. Wish things never had to be this hard - for you or any of us.

  4. It's overwhelming. That's when it gets me, when I am overwhelmed, I crumple. Normal stuff becomes a nightmare.

    I agree, looking at a future without living children when they are so desperately wanted is not freedom.

  5. Sending huge hugs and love your way. xx

  6. Such an accurate description of the way the negatives sneak up behind us. I am sorry it is like this for you right now. Longing for brighter days for you.



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