Tuesday 15 December 2009

Getting the gloomy post out of the way before trying to find some festive spirit. (It's not all gloomy, there is a vaguely cheerful bit about meteors)

Well that is almost that.

2009 was officially the year of grief. The Year of Missing George.

And for me, as of today, 2009 is also officially The Year Of Not Getting Pregnant. TYONGP even though I doubt if I will ever use that acronym again and even though we have only been trying since April/May. This has been (half) a year of pretending hoping that we won't need any help to get pregnant. I still hope we don't but I don't have too much belief in that hope.

After putting off our 2nd appointment at the fertility clinic twice. We ARE going to see the fertile nurse near the end of January. I will find out if my ladyparts are far too old and dusty for these shenanigans or just need a little kick up the proverbial. Just a little kick please, maybe only a tiny poke? Pretty please?

We spent saturday and sunday nights getting neck ache watching the Geminids meteor shower in various non light polluted places around and about while freezing despite, for myself, two pairs of jeans, two hats, a scarf and three jumpers. A large flask of boiling water and tea bags are vital for this kind of adventure: actually they are vital for most types of car related adventures. I have yet to find a flask that holds just enough milk for two or three cups of tea (for me, Ray prefers his tea naked) but they are all too big. These things are important. Going out in the middle of the night with the one you love to look at meteors is important too. And romantic. Do it sometime if you haven't already. And yes, had George been here we sould have bundled him up and took him along.

I tried to imagine George in those tiny far off streaks of light but it just made me sad to think of his spark burning up in the atmosphere. Sad enough that when I managed to spill hot tea over myself I burst into tears. Or maybe that was the PMS. Probably the Pre Menstrual Not Pregnant Again Oh Shit Syndrome. Ah, PMNPAOSS, of course. Or as I wailed it at Ray, "I've got hormones!"

Why are early pregnancy symptoms so much like period-about-to-start symptoms? It's unfair and it should be stopped. Yes, for the second month in a row I was almost fooled for a couple of days. However this month I did manage to restrain myself from checking out how much co-sleeper cots were going for on ebay.


  1. You're right; it is unfair and should be stopped. Damn universe...

    I dont think your girlyparts are too old... But I'm glad you are seeing an RE. They can make all the difference.

  2. I had a conversation recently with my husband where I enlightened him as to the similarity between early pregnancy and pre menstrual symptoms. He spat out his drink, choked and then said "That's just cruel". Uh huh.

    I love the image of George all bundled up to go and see the meteor shower. I so wish he could be here, enjoying the company of his two wonderful parents. He would have had so much fun.

    Hoping that the nurse recommends the tiniest of tiny pokes and littlest of little kicks for you. xo

  3. A friend once said that she thought that getting your period when you're TTC should be accompanied by instant weight loss, happy hormones, and showers of chocolate. Otherwise you're right- it's just adding insult to injury.

    I will be gladly bidding 2009 adieu right along with you and hoping that 2010 brings some answers, a plan, and plenty of shooting stars to wish on.

  4. Years of misssing , endless tears and maybe a flicker of hope ...just about sums up my life ...just like yours. I always think of Akul and I am sure George is with you 24/7. Hugssssss

  5. Hoping you fall pregnant again soon, Barbara. The waiting is too much agony. I love the term "naked tea" btw. Hah! I like mine with milk, too. Tea leaves, nice and strong. (((Hugs))) and thinking of you and your George.

  6. What a rotten efing year Barb! I hope this next one gets a million times better!

  7. I think I should see you instead of my Doc. your diagnosis "Pre Menstrual Not Pregnant Again Oh Shit Syndrome" sounds EXACTLY like what I have been suffering from. Praying for baby dust to land on us both.

    PS thank you so much for sharing the DGIHN button on your blog. Seeing it there makes me smile, and really touches my heart. You are amazing.

  8. We've been trying since you have too. Nothing yet and I thought this month could've been it since I was a few days late. but nada. *sigh*

    Wish I could've seen that meteor shower



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