Sunday 30 November 2008


Last night I dreamed of the moment I knew it was all over.

That morning I'd been bleeding again and in pain again (it was always the fibroids) and after phoning in sick from work and phoning the maternity unit I went to the toilet and I felt something odd, I looked under and I saw the cord hanging from me. I can barely describe the absolute utter horror of that moment.

I knew George had died.

I think I screamed. I remember clinging on to Ray. Somehow we got to the hospital and about two hours later at 11.05 we saw our perfect tiny son.

It was over so soon.

That image of my baby's lifeline hanging from my body is burned deeply onto the inside of my skull. For days after George was born whenever I closed my eyes I would see his perfect face, or that lifeless pale cord dangling underneath me. Last night I kept seeing it over and over again.

It was the first time I dreamed it.

Today I'm a bit less optimistic, but trying to get it back.


  1. Barbara I have a post in my head about some of my horrors too, but I'm just not sure I'm brave enough to share it like you. I gasped when I read this. Then I remembered hey, this shit happened to me too. I have moments of horror that will make other people gasp, too. I haven't really dreamt about that exact moments yet, but I have had some pretty fucked up dreams in the aftermath. Ugh. This is so hard. And so not fun.

  2. I am sorry that image is burned on your heart.

    I like Sally, gasped when I read what happened. I pray that this terrible memory will fade away in time.

    Sending you much love,

    Carly xxxx

  3. The flashbacks are a bitch aren't they? I have my own unfathomable images seared in my mind. I wish I could say I thought they would fade...but I'm no good at being an optimist these days. Sending you love and hugs. xoxo

  4. For me, it is an eerie image of a still ultrasound screen. My daughter, in perfection, not moving.

    These images are ours for life. Thinking of you as the haunting is so fresh.

  5. I am sorry you have had this nightmare - that it really happened and now you have to re-live it in your sleep and your days...Sorry Barbara.


  6. I'm so sorry, as Sarah says, those flashbacks are the worst and something we carry with us. We all went through a deeply traumatic experience in our own ways. If it helps to write about it, we're always here.
    Thinking of you & George,



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