Friday 28 November 2008

The All-New-Me.

Yesterday I was in my local supermarket queuing for the checkout and an strange old lady told me off for standing in the "wrong" place and then tried to get in front of me and I snapped quite nastily at her. This is not like me at all. Or maybe this is very much like me. The all new angry-at-the-world me.

I also avoided bumping into two people that I know, just turn about, go in a different direction, but unfortunately I bumped into a third when I was almost home. He said the usual crap. I kept it together until he walked on but three steps later tears filled my head and I was gasping for breath. The all new anti-social-me.

I can feel myself slipping into a dark bleak place. I don't want to be there for long though: I prefer the light.

Today my Doctor is calling my consultant and I might have to have another D&C.

Today I have nothing left.

I cried and cried last night to be done with bleeding and pain and I'm still crying today.

I lost my baby, isn't that enough?

The all new misery-me.

Today is another crying day.


  1. Hey, thanks for stopping by my blog...Thanks a ton for your good wishes! I am really praying that I will accumulate so many of them that God will not deny my chances this time. And stay strong!

    Remember, all that you are feeling and oozing is the deep pain. You do not appear to be a rude person at all. Remember, you have to give yourself time to heal. And if that means, being antagonistic at times. So be it! However, it is obvious that you yourself are surprised at the magnitude of your animosity. It means you are aware that you actually are not like that at all. One way of seeing it, is that she was being unfair and pushy and you gave her good. Could there be something else as well? I will tell you a small secret...if you ever, meet the lady again, talk to her. Tell her, that you did not mean to be that rude. And believe me, she may take it or leave it, you will feel lighter. Till then sweetie, find a good book and a warm hug for yourself!

  2. I am bad at punctuations...and it shows :)

  3. You..Yes You....You won yourself an award! Go pick up your badge here!

    Waiting to see your responses!

  4. You're exactly where you need to be right now. I have finally come to understand that its an unfair expectation of ourselves that we'll 'get back to normal'. This is the new normal. And it involves lots of tears, angry words and anti-social tendencies. Its ok, it really is. The only thing that's changed for me now 3 months out is that I'm ok with being not ok...I'm not fighting it anymore.

  5. I wanted to scream and shout at people and I admit that I did. I actually felt so angry that I wanted to start a fight with a guy blocking our drive way - for a moment I wanted to hit him. Am I normally violent? Abdolutely not. I have never hit anyone.

    The week Alice died we also settled on our house purchase (and had to pack and move 7 days after she died). I had to call our lawyer and ended up slamming the phone down on her. Not a moment to be proud of. But I was just so angry at the world.

    And you know nearly 3 months after Alice died, I am still looking for a fight somedays...

  6. You guys are great.

    Thanks for all the support. It really helps knowing that others have the same feelings as me... Hey, I'm normal!

    I so hate that we have to meet through the dead baby club though.

    Hugs to you all.

  7. yup, this is the new normal. maybe one day we can find a bit of the old normal. just not yet.

  8. We know the new you. The person who blurts something, then tries to figure out who just said it cause, certainly, it wasn't you.

    It takes a long time to get used to your new skin, and the added physical pain and bleeding doesn't help.

    Ready to listen any time.

  9. I think we should all become roller derby queens. We could all kick some serious ass right now.

  10. Another D&C?! Blech. I hope the bleeding is finally over, and your body can heal. There should be a rule that people can only be in one kind of pain at a time.

    And gee whiz, if anybody has a right to be angry at the world, it's you. I think you get a free pass for anything up to and including biting.

    Thinking of you.

  11. I remember a few weeks possibly over a month after Christian died. I was leaving a shopping center and I saw this woman standing at the doors. She was 7-8 months pregnant. She was smoking. I screamed at her! I told her how disgusting and selfish I thought she was. It was not like me at all. But I was angry, angry that I did everything right and Christian wasn't with me. Here was this woman so very pregnant smoking... I bet her baby was born screaming. I was bitter then, and for quite a while too. But it passed. People whinging about silly things doesn't seem to bother me so much now as it did a year ago.

    You aren't anti social, you have a broken heart. You need to have this time to not talk to absolutely everyone you know. You deserve to not be so hard on yourself.

    Sending you much love and warm wishes across the sea :)

    Love Carly x

  12. I think writing this blog is keeping me sane. It's forcing me to organise my thoughts (somewhat) before they're blurted out rather than leaving them in my head to mill about bumping into each other making no sense.

    I think you lovely people are keeping me sane. It helps so much knowing that I'm not alone in these feelings.

    Thank you all.




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