Monday 11 January 2010

Today I have nothing left

Tomorrow I'll get over it, again and start the plod through yet another month with no baby outside and no baby intside.

But just for a couple of days, at the end of a cycle, I'm a whole mess of jibbering blubbering hope. Of course on the surface I am the picture of calm (ahem) but inside my head... peee-ow... stand back.

These are the in between days when there is a tiny possibility of sunshine even though the general forecast is for rain.

I never realised just how much I wanted to be a mother until I finally met the man I wanted to father my children and heard him say, "I think we'd make good parents". I never realised how much I really wanted to be a mother until our baby died and we met our son. I didn't know how much I wanted that life until the point when I was just 7 weeks pregnant with George and dreamed of bleeding and then woke to bleeding.

At 39 I had pushed the thought of mummyhood to the very dusty corners of my mind and covered it over with an old threadbare rug. Mother, baby, parent, father, child, mummy, daddy. And then I met Ray.

At 42, at 13dpo I feel it slipping away. How long do we carry on trying for? Or, how much longer can I cope with trying? Could I cope with not trying? We have another appointment with the fertile nurse in February. I wonder if they can or will help us. We can't afford private treatment so this is it.

I think I'm going to rearrange my blog again. I might change it's title. I'm going to wash the kitchen floor. I should be changing nappies not cleaning out a litter box. Must finish some jewellery. I miss the life we don't have. Rice and veg for dinner. Need to change the bed. Distractions.

These are the ramblings of a premenstrual, hormonally challenged mind and in no way represent said mind's normal state of being. (Well, maybe a teeny tiny bit.) The author is in no way seeking pity but simply spewing said ramblings into space to remove them from the space between her ears. However the odd "Awww" or "Hug" is most welcome.


  1. It's not pity I'm sending but care. I care about you. I do give a sh*t and I wish it were different, my life, your life, money etc. BIG HUG!

    And another hug, BIG one!
    And another hug
    And another hug

    Sending you lots of love

    xx Ines

  2. As ever keeping my fingers crossed for you Barb.

  3. sending you the biggest of hugs... the very biggest.

  4. Nope no pity here either. Plenty of 'I get it' and 'understanding' though. Oh, and lots and lots and lots of sticky baby dust!!

    Think of you often Barb and wish that baby upon you with all my heart!


  5. Don't give up at 13 dpo!

    I never wanted to have kids until I met Triple S, either. He was the first one that I thought could do a good job!

    I hope it happens again for you guys soon!

    2010, 2010, 2010...

  6. I didn't know which sentiment to respond to, because so much of what you said (though you say it's rambling, it all made perfect sense to me.). But I'll settle with this . . ."I miss the life we don't have." ME TOO. ((((hugs))))

  7. Oh Barb. My dear friend. No pity - just love, support and understanding. I know how dreadful I felt in my VERY brief TTC journey with Angus so I can only try to imagine the heartbreak you feel each month that slips by.
    I just wish and wish and wish and wish for you. And always have HOPE.

  8. go ahead and vent, dear Barbara....

    Sending you strength and hope

  9. Can't seem to find the right words so I am sending you some love.

  10. A big Hug. A desperate wish that things were different. Another hug.


  11. Oh, Barb, I remember these same feelings after Levi died and before I became pregnant with Cassidy. Sending you lots of love and hugs....

  12. Manys 'Awwws' and hugs coming your way.
    Wishing and hoping for you xo

  13. I understand completely - good days and bad days - hopeful days and hopeless days and the realization that time waits for no one. Hugssssssssssss.

  14. ((((hugs)))))
    The monthly game of TTC is exausting and cruel. Thinking of you.

  15. Not pity - just lots of wishes and hopes for lovely you & your lovely husband.

  16. awwww, barb. that totally blows. i'm so sorry. timing is everything - or nothing, i guess. they say to have our babies early, but what if you don't meet the right guy until later?

    it was the same for me with brian. i hate feeling sad and guilty that i didn't have a baby with my asshole first husband in my 20s - and that it gets SO, SO much harder and more stressful as we grow older. even though sometimes we have to be older in order to choose the right man and to be wise enough to parent well.

    it just blows. thinking of you lots. xo

  17. Hugs and hope, hugs and hope Barb.

  18. (((hugs)))
    yes, it blows.
    i'm a blubbering mess right before i start my period too, peeing on every stick i can get my hands on.... have started reading fertility books, charting temps, cervical fluids, etc.....
    hope*hope*hope we both get to parent living children this year!
    sending lots of love,



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