You may not want to read this

That wildly inappropriate spam comment on my blog yesterday and my rather instinctive response to it served to jolt me from my disconnected state and remind me of the real magnitude of another first that happened to me last night.


And at this point I'll warn you that I'm about to get personal. No, really personal and talk about bodily fluids. 'Cos, you know, you might be having tea and cake or eating a sandwich or something and umm... yik. So if you'd like to back away now...



The big first? The major happening that warrants a whole blog? I mentioned that I have no dignity left? Ok.

I slept for the first time in 7 months without underwear and a sanitary towel/liner. I can't believe it's been so long. At first it was the spotting and bleeding during my pregnancy followed by the maternity pads for the long weeks of bleeding after we lost George, followed by the protection needed for the continuously horrid horrid horrid discharge that my doctor calls an infection and my ob likes to think of as an "overgrowth" of a "naturally occurring" bug "found on the skin". Strep b. Pffffffttt! Yes, normally found on the skin, not welcome in the vagina and a risk to a live baby during birth. (It wasn't found at any time during my pregnancy so I know it wasn't a contributing factor in George's death)

I almost didn't go to bed as nature intended. I'm so used to the routine of wearing some sort of sanitary protection that it's become automatic. I've lost count of the money I've spent finding the right brand at the right price. But last night, day 9 of 14 in my 4 pills a day antibiotic routine I finally finally felt confident enough to skip the other routine. I can only hope that when the antibiotics are done that "overgrowth" doesn't start again. I'll be looking into non-antibiotic remedies at that point. You do what with a garlic clove??? But no, let's be optimistic. And today I'm also going without and my focus is constantly being directed down there to the point where I wonder if I've become obsessed with the goings on in and around my ladyparts. I don't trust my body.

And if you're wondering, and in the interests of brutal honesty, yes, 7 months of wearing sanitary protection and not knowing what would appear therein has meant 7 months without sex. Frustrated? Yoooobetcha! We've managed to make a pathetic joke out of it... sex scene on tv = one or both of us looking puzzled, "what on earth are they doing?" or, gazing off into the distance, "ahhh, I remember sex... I think. How does it go again?". But really? Honestly? Frustrated? Oh yooooooobetcha!

And it reminds me how lucky I am to be with the best bloke in the world.

Don't worry, I won't blog when that first happens. That really will be left private!

Disconnected

I don't feel unhappy, down or irritated or for that matter joyful or calm. I feel flat and disconnected. It's as if I'm a step behind myself and I've been trying to catch up all day. My thoughts are distracted and I can't concentrate. Ray talks to me and I don't hear him and George is far away.

It's funny how one day with a moment of joy can be followed by another that feels flat and lifeless and sort of ... meh. I'd like to go to bed now and start afresh tomorrow.


It's ok though, I don't mind, it's all part for of the journey. Tomorrow will be different.

Snow!

About half an hour after posting yesterday's blog it snowed! Big fluffy flakes that refused to be photographed properly dammit. We dashed out to the back garden (yes that is a cliff face at the end of it) in the midst of another tiny moment of pure joy, took some photos and tried to have a snowball fight with the worlds tiniest snowballs. I know that those of you who live in countries where you get proper snow might think this is strange behaviour and yes, ok, it probably is but it really is SO rare to get snow around this town that it simply must be experienced! We have a sort of micro-climate in this bay and bad weather often passes us by.

Ooh looky snow stuck to our garden furniture!

Then we got chilly and dashed back in again.

Ray decided he wanted to go for a walk in it. Imagine a 5 year old jumping up and down excitedly whilst the adult sensible other one puts in contact lenses and several layers of warmth. (I used to live in Switzerland, I know what cold is!). We found our poor still-not-fixed-broken car under a light dusting of snow and defaced it. (I keep asking for one of those plastic strips with our names on them but for some reason Ray doesn't like them)

This is the view from across the road looking over town towards the harbour.

From the same spot looking the other way.

This is the view from along the road up around the corner, looking down at the harbour.

Home again and it was already melting. It's still cold and a teeny bit snowy here and in other parts of the county schools are closed, a hospital has cancelled appointments and there are roads closed... we don't get that much snow in the UK but when we do... the country grinds to a halt!

Looking out through our window you can just see the serial killer's 4x4 across the road. He's already cleaned it once today.

And this is our garden in June when we moved in and got pregnant the same week. Just to show you the cliff in the background.

In which I ramble, witter and burble again

It's cold here. There's snow in other parts of the county but we always seem to miss out on it. Ray has been standing at the window warming up on the radiator and watching out for the snow that doesn't fall. He has been observing a man across the road who cleans and polishes his car every day, sometimes twice a day. We think he is a serial killer who has to wash the blood off and get rid of the evidence. We watch too much CSI.

I'm now 6 days into my 4 pills a day routine and my lower intestine feels as if it's full of carefully-napped-by-a-skilled-artisan razor-sharp flint-axe-heads. Ooh ow ouch! This, apparently, is how my intestines run with NO bacteria present. Nice. I shall be guzzling the pre and probiotics as soon as this course of treatment is over and get some of the good guys running around my system again. As it is I have another 8 days of; when do I eat, what time is it and oops I forgot my iron pills for the 5th day in a row no wonder I'm out of breath and my legs are twitchy. Oh health why are you so elusive?

We are both suffering from insomnia at the moment. I say "we" because I can't sleep without Ray in the bed and he's not sleeping at the moment. 4am last night. 3am the night before. And I have my alarm go off at 7am to sleepily take my first pill of the day.

Last night I lay awake in bed feeling George's absence. I felt it in my belly, my head and my lungs. I lay there quietly, not crying and let the feeling wash over me. I'm still carrying my baby inside me.

Still working on the escape plan.