Thursday 19 November 2009

Christmas is coming, oh shit.

We went christmas shopping today and managed to do most of it in one shop using their buy 2 get 1 free offer three times. It was Ray's idea to go shopping. *gasp*. I know, it made me *gasp* too.

We managed about 5 shops and one St,a,rb u.cks before we needed to escape. The coffee came before the shopping and yeees I'm still doing decaf. I'm also doing sleeping pills, but only when I have my period. I thought I might be pregnant this month, spotting on 11/12dpo and then nothing, period a day late: but it's here now so I'm not. Pffft. For one day I was almost convinced and bloody hell how my mind flew off into all sorts of directions. I'd like a co-sleeper cot, the cvs test was incredibly painful, I'll be pregnant in July, I hope it's not too hot, I'll get a baby sling, we'll find out the sex this time... and so on. Again. Pfffftt.

I dragged Ray into the @p.p.le store and drooled for a few minutes over the ma, c b.o0k p,r0 I'm planning on upgrading to at some point this century before remembering that I desperately needed the toilet and that I would rather be spending money-we-don't-have on a baby.

There were far too many babies being hauled around shops they were dressed far too warmly for. We should be preparing for 10 month old George's first Christmas.

We spent our first Christmas together alone with our landlord who came out Christmas afternoon to fix our burned out fuse box. Dinner was half cooked and then finished a few hours later. It was great.

We spent our second Christmas together mourning our son and listening to the friend we had invited round to take our minds off being alone talking about his sad life. It wasn't great.

This Christmas we will probably eat with my parents because quite honestly I don't know how many more Christmases there will be where my Dad remembers who we are. And my Mum is a better cook than both of us put together.

Next Christmas, despite the fact that I have no religious beliefs any more (not for many many years) I want to celebrate with my husband* and our baby**. Dammit.

The fairy lights I put up around our fireplace last year are still there. Last year I said I was going to leave them up for a new baby.*** Maybe I should dust the fireplace and rearrange them.

It's not even December yet but really, Bah humbug!

*no we're not married yet, despite the fact that Ray refers to me as his "missis", but we will be. Eventually.

**for goodness sake is it really too much to ask?

*** I know I said I'd be back with some light, do fairy lights count?


  1. I remember how hard Christmases were after my 3 beautiful babies had died and before my fourth darling boy was born.
    Sending you hope and love, that this Christmas will pass peacefully and that another precious little one will be with you next Christmas.

  2. I want that next Christmas for you too, Barb. So much. Sending love. xo

  3. I hear that Bah Hum Bug loud & clear.

  4. Keep those fairy lights up Barb....

    Hoping, praying, wishing and willing that you will get your Christmas next year - just like you want and so deserve.


  5. Swooshing some babydust your way Barb...Hope you get your wish for next Christmas. Sending you hugs

  6. Hoping for that future happy Christmas for you, Barb. The fairy lights sound lovely. (((Hugs)))

  7. I remember last christmas I was happy and innocent and pregnant. We went to all the stores' after xmas sales and I wanted to buy a ton of ornaments to celebrate xmas for Akul. I told Sunil that now that we will have a baby in the house everyone will come to our place for xmas. We are back to square one - no baby, no tree, no lights and no celebration.

  8. Maybe, just maybe you will get the best Christmas present ever this year (the best that is besides your sweet George.) That is what my request to Santa will be. xx

    P.S. Not sure you do the whole Santa thing there, but you know what I mean.

  9. I hope your Christmas brings you happy news and that next year brings you a baby round the fire...

  10. You know, we actually did cancel Chanukah last year- never celebrated it at all. Wish we could put the whole darned thing on hold again this year until something seems worth celebrating. Barring that, I hope you fill your house with fairy lights and warmth and snuggling under a blanket.

  11. I hear you on the "bah humbug"! This year seems even harder than last. I think last year maybe we were still in such a haze and going through the motions. And, of course, the babies weren't "supposed" to be here yet. This year was to be their first. Instead, we've been shopping for a discontinued 2008 "baby's first Christmas" ornament for them. So wrong.

    I'm impressed you two were out shopping :) DH and I were in a fuss just this a.m. because I'm threatening to not buy anyone anything this year - I just can't bring myself to care!!!

    So wishing with yo uthat you get to celebrate with your baby next year.

  12. Those trick you into thinking your pregnant and the yanking the rug out from under you periods can be anger inducing. I think you're entitled to a little grump because of it. I hope that the next time is for real-maybe a nice two pink lined stick Christmas present.

  13. um, yes, bah humbug! you and me both. i don't have any religious beliefs either but i always love to celebrate christmas because for me it's about family. and this year there is someone very special missing from our family and i don't know if i can face everybody without her. i sat thanksgiving out this year, and i'd really like to boycott christmas this year too.
    i hope we both have new babies to celebrate christmas with next year! sending conception vibes from across the pond :)



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