Disconnected

I don't feel unhappy, down or irritated or for that matter joyful or calm. I feel flat and disconnected. It's as if I'm a step behind myself and I've been trying to catch up all day. My thoughts are distracted and I can't concentrate. Ray talks to me and I don't hear him and George is far away.

It's funny how one day with a moment of joy can be followed by another that feels flat and lifeless and sort of ... meh. I'd like to go to bed now and start afresh tomorrow.


It's ok though, I don't mind, it's all part for of the journey. Tomorrow will be different.

Snow!

About half an hour after posting yesterday's blog it snowed! Big fluffy flakes that refused to be photographed properly dammit. We dashed out to the back garden (yes that is a cliff face at the end of it) in the midst of another tiny moment of pure joy, took some photos and tried to have a snowball fight with the worlds tiniest snowballs. I know that those of you who live in countries where you get proper snow might think this is strange behaviour and yes, ok, it probably is but it really is SO rare to get snow around this town that it simply must be experienced! We have a sort of micro-climate in this bay and bad weather often passes us by.

Ooh looky snow stuck to our garden furniture!

Then we got chilly and dashed back in again.

Ray decided he wanted to go for a walk in it. Imagine a 5 year old jumping up and down excitedly whilst the adult sensible other one puts in contact lenses and several layers of warmth. (I used to live in Switzerland, I know what cold is!). We found our poor still-not-fixed-broken car under a light dusting of snow and defaced it. (I keep asking for one of those plastic strips with our names on them but for some reason Ray doesn't like them)

This is the view from across the road looking over town towards the harbour.

From the same spot looking the other way.

This is the view from along the road up around the corner, looking down at the harbour.

Home again and it was already melting. It's still cold and a teeny bit snowy here and in other parts of the county schools are closed, a hospital has cancelled appointments and there are roads closed... we don't get that much snow in the UK but when we do... the country grinds to a halt!

Looking out through our window you can just see the serial killer's 4x4 across the road. He's already cleaned it once today.

And this is our garden in June when we moved in and got pregnant the same week. Just to show you the cliff in the background.

In which I ramble, witter and burble again

It's cold here. There's snow in other parts of the county but we always seem to miss out on it. Ray has been standing at the window warming up on the radiator and watching out for the snow that doesn't fall. He has been observing a man across the road who cleans and polishes his car every day, sometimes twice a day. We think he is a serial killer who has to wash the blood off and get rid of the evidence. We watch too much CSI.

I'm now 6 days into my 4 pills a day routine and my lower intestine feels as if it's full of carefully-napped-by-a-skilled-artisan razor-sharp flint-axe-heads. Ooh ow ouch! This, apparently, is how my intestines run with NO bacteria present. Nice. I shall be guzzling the pre and probiotics as soon as this course of treatment is over and get some of the good guys running around my system again. As it is I have another 8 days of; when do I eat, what time is it and oops I forgot my iron pills for the 5th day in a row no wonder I'm out of breath and my legs are twitchy. Oh health why are you so elusive?

We are both suffering from insomnia at the moment. I say "we" because I can't sleep without Ray in the bed and he's not sleeping at the moment. 4am last night. 3am the night before. And I have my alarm go off at 7am to sleepily take my first pill of the day.

Last night I lay awake in bed feeling George's absence. I felt it in my belly, my head and my lungs. I lay there quietly, not crying and let the feeling wash over me. I'm still carrying my baby inside me.

Still working on the escape plan.

The escape commitee

We the undersigned want out of limboland, deadbabyland, infertilitytown and infectionville.

We didn't ask to be here and we don't much like the décor.

If anyone knows the secret door to the outside world would they please let us know. We're strong enough between us to break out so we don't need a key.