Tuesday, 14 August 2012

8 weeks and 1 day. Really?

They are right, aren't they? Time is whooshing past in a blur of nappies, screaming, cuddles, naps, pumping, playing, bathtime, screaming, sleeplessness, the occasional smile, aching arms, vomit, poo, pee and love.

 Felix is currently as grumpy as he can be. Crying, growling, screaming etc etc and sometimes only seems truly content when he is asleep. He is in the midst of a major growth spurt and seems to lengthen in front of our eyes. He is almost too big for his pram which is supposed to last until 6 months. Ha.

Breastfeeding is a bust. We have had appointments with the breastfeeding nurses at the hospital and they are wonderful. They think his traumatic birth might be something to do with his big-time-arched-back-screaming aversion to the boob with or without nipple shield but I think it was the many midwives who forcibly thrust him on a nipple all hours of the day and night whilst he screamed the ward down during the week we were in hospital.

They arranged for me to borrow a double pump and after many days of hourly pumping, twice hourly pumping, half hourly pumping, two hourly pumping and random what-the-hell-time-is-it pumping my supply did not increase. Not. one. little. bit. I get a dribble. Pah. My boobs don't like machines. He takes the boob less and less and less and then only as a dummy/finger substitute. But I'm not quite ready to let myself give up on the pumping yet and certainly not on the comforting. Some stubborn sense of what if I suppose.

We were sent to check out a possible non-obvious tongue tie situation with a maxillofacial specialist wherein I hid down the corridor as they checked him out (would have snipped there and then - brave Ray!) I heard him screaming which made me want to burst through the door and rescue him, but when they called me back in they said he was fine but his jaw is a bit "petite" at the moment, which may be the problem. Sigh.

We have tried "rebirthing" in the bath and surprisingly he wanted to nurse but was immediately frustrated at the lack of flow and ended up nibbling. Sigh. Although bathing with him is lovely and not something I will be giving up. At least not until he can point and laugh.

Oh I have been broken hearted and cried and cried. I wanted SO much to breastfeed. So very very much. On the one hand I am bereft. I feel as if I have missed out again. I didn't get the birth experience I wanted and now I can't breastfeed? How unfair is that?

On the other hand. Look. I have my Felix. My perfect glorious, fabulous, marvellous, wondrous son! Everything else is icing on the cake.

Felix is awesomeness personified. I look at him and... wow... he's here, he's real, he's alive! Pinch me. Every. Single. Day. Seriously. Pinch me.

I love his vigour, even in the midst of a screaming-for-nothing-obvious-tried-everything-might-as-well-join-in round. I love each scream that rips out of his lungs. I love the enormoburps, the fartipants, the spit up, poomageddon and the poonamis, the grunts and growls and howls. I love watching him develop and change. I love watching him sleep. I love the huge grins that herald sleep and are just, just beginning to show up outside of sleep. I love that my arms ache from holding him and my back hurts from rocking him. Selfishly, I love that it's me he wants. That family hand him back to me. That Ray hands him to me. That he's mine mine mine. For now anyway, until he discovers that daddy plays the coolest games.

Unconditional love is amazing.

Oh and how long does it take before I stop looking for the rise and fall of his chest?


  1. Love, love these pictures and still smiling that Felix is here with you and doing so well.

    I wasn't able to breastfeed either and pumping produced mere drips. I gave up on it and used that extra time to snuggle with my babies and while there is still part of me that wishes I could have made it work, I have no regrets about my decision. Enjoy these fast fleeing days!

  2. Barb ... I can empathize and sympathize and otherwise -ize with the breastfeeding bit. I think I wrote about it on my blog. It sucked. It was hard. Painful. And in the end BFing failed. I pumped. I took supplements. Good god we tried and that is all that helps me now as I look back. And honestly, 4 months later, I feel freedom as I watch some of my other mommy friends who BF be slave to the boob. Small consolation but still.
    Does your little man have colic? Our boy is both intense in temperment AND colicky. ROUGH combo to say the least. Please know if you he is truely a fussy baby who cries more than smiles and makes your nerves so shattered you end up crying most evenings after he has gone to bed, that I'm here for support. I know. Having a fussy baby is HARD AS HELL. I"m gratefull to have the chance to parent such a baby, but damn it's hard.
    I love your photos. Unconditional love is amazing!
    So happy we both have little men in our lives!!!!

  3. Hello! I wandered over from Lori's blog. My son (now almost 3) was very fussy/colicky and he turned out to have acid reflux and allergies (dairy, corn, soy, wheat). I think if I'd known sooner we would have had a happier little guy. Just a thought that it might be something more making him uncomfortable. I look forward to reading your blog. I'm happy for you with your new little guy, and sorry for your loss.

  4. These photos are beyond precious. And dangerous for me to look at. Can't. Have. Another. Baby.
    You are doing a wonderful job. Truly wonderful.

  5. He's gorgeous, Barb. Hang in there - as Sally said, you're doing an amazing job. xo

  6. Oh, I hear you. It has just eaten me up that breastfeeding the "regular" way is out for us. I was so angry at myself, at the universe, and cried and cried over it. You'd think we'd get one stinkin' break. By the way, I don't buy it for a second that this is because of Felix's traumatic birth. If his jaw is tiny, nursing is hard and the bottle is easier- less sucking.

    These pictures make my heart swell with joy. Look who has Daddy's nose- and George's. You make beautiful babies.

  7. I was craving a pic of all three of you together, and you definitely delivered high on the awesomeness of it!

    I love his feet...and your pictures of him.

    I am sorry that breastfeeding is not working out for you, but remember, ultimately Felix needs nutrition, and just get it to him whatever way he can. So formula it is. Enjoy this time with him.

    I loved it when you said: "Selfishly, I love that it's me he wants." I know it, Barb. I feel the same way with Figlia.

    And well, Dad may have the cool tricks, but Felix is a boy, and boys always love their mum more. ;-)

  8. oh Barb - he's gorgeous and I am just over the moon for you & Ray. He is awesome.

  9. Love love love these pics. :)

    I can totally relate to the breastfeeding problems. Same probs with Caelan and with Jasper but wouldn't you know it, I was able to pump for Jordan for three months before I dried up... However you are feeding him you're doing a wonderful job. xx



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