Monday 15 February 2010

The "D" word.

Things aren't so great.

My feet hurt to buggery with these new and improved orthotics. It seems that the podiatrist and the orthopedististist don't agree on what on earth is wrong with my feet. Podiatry think it's arthritic and I need to wear shoes that prevent my toes from bending (expensive walking shoes) and orthopedics think it's something else and I need to "manipulate" my toes daily to get the movement back and wear this new made to measure thang that allows my big toe some movement. I absolutely have to try this just in case it works but... Click ouch ow clack ooh crunch ooh owwwwa.

The podiatrist showed me the xrays of my feet and there on the screen was a list of all our ultrasounds. A sort of medical "My photo album". I was so tempted to ask.


My shoulder isn't better yet and despite the daily gentle physio exercises and stretches I still can't lift my arm above my head or undo my bra from behind my back. It's annoying. I want it fixed.


I want it all fixed.


The benefit I receive because of my inability to cope with work due to my depression* since losing George is now in question because the retired Dr who assessed me for half an hour and made those insensitive comments thinks there's nothing wrong with me, despite the fact that I cried through out the interview, apart from trouble walking or standing too long and "some ankle pain"... ummm... I don't have ankle pain, I've never complained of ankle pain, what ankle pain!!!!???? So I have to go in front of a tribunal and appeal. Ugggh. How do I explain that while I'm sort of ok and getting more ok, that ok-ness doesn't yet extend to a work environment. It will, and probably soon but not quite yet. Oh yes, date of that decision? 20 October 2009. Almost as if they were saying, "That's it. You've had one year exactly, now buck up and get on with it."


I wish it was that easy.

I don't have any friends left from work. Even the one who was SO wonderful last year has stopped texting. That last sentence is untrue. I have Ray. We met at work. Light of my life.

Some friends are forever but some friendships are fleeting. They are a profound or intense presence for a while and then one or both of you moves on. Clinging to stale friendships is pointless but sometimes it's hard when you are the one left behind. Learning to let go is a goal.


I haven't been a good commenter lately (again) and for that I'm sorry (again).


It's cd 9 and I'm trying to find the nerve to think about yet another chance at being a mother.


This month I'm sewing seeds to fill our garden with wild and not so wild flowers. I'm going to sew some forget-me-not and heartsease seeds in our garden and in George's wood because I like the names. Before and after pics might be in order. I have bluebell seeds in the fridge and a propagator on the kitchen table.

I can't wait for spring.


Sometimes the light takes my breath away. That orange strip is the same colour as the foreground.


*I don't write under the title depression here, partly because it's a bit like the monster under the bed; big and scary, but if you pull the covers up and keep your arms tucked inside it can't get you. i.e. I'm trying to ignore it and hope it goes away. And partly because I don't like labels and I think it's a natural reaction to the trauma of losing George and the horror of my hospital stay after the hideously horrid hemorrhaging a week after and the stress of the infection from hell lasting four months after that so it doesn't need singling out for special treatment with a name. It just is and it's being dealt with.

One day, I'd quite like to hear "Your baby died over a year ago and you're not still depressed/traumatised/grief stricken?"


  1. Oh Barb. I think your line: "Your baby died over a year ago and you're not still depressed/traumatised/grief stricken?" sums it up perfectly. I'm sorry everything is so crappy at the moment. Lots of love and hugs. xxxxx

  2. Pardon me but no shit! "Your baby died over a year ago and you're not still depressed/traumatised/grief stricken?"

    Why doesn't anyone ever say that?

    I'm so sorry you are dealing with physical pain and trouble from the benefits folks.

    Your photo is lovely! That looks like a beautiful place to live!

    Thinking of you and wishing you healing.

  3. Exactly- honestly, I think we should all get credit for doing much of anything at all on some days. Physical pain just makes it all so much worse. Hope it passes quickly and the foot folks get on the same page.

  4. Hon, I think it is normal that you are still hurt and grief stricken. It's been 2 years for me and my heart hurts... so much...

  5. Sending you babydust Barb, and lots of it. Hope your tribunal goes well and that the people you have to go in front of have hearts. Sending you hugs

  6. (((((hugs)))))The garden sounds like a lovely idea and those flowers you have chosen are just perfect. I am planing Liam's garden once again in my head too. The first year was very colorful and I loved it! The second year was more edible herbs and was very green but missing the color. THis year? More color, more color more color!

    I hope life eases up for you soon. We all just need a break sometimes.

  7. big hugs to you, barb. just big hugs. xo

  8. if you had to go back to work, it's not to that same old sucky job is it? Maybe you can find something parttime that would help to lift your spirits. Get a bit busier.

    Physical pain SUCKS SUCK! Have you tried a chiropractor for your feet? Did wonders for me (I used to shuffle around the first 20 min every morning like an old man)

    take it easy....

  9. Oh my dear. It's horrible isn't it? The first person who told me I was 'depressed' nearly got a swift kick in the shin. I felt like saying, "No s*** Sherlock and if you'd been through what I've just been through you'd be depressed too ALRIGHT?"

    Hope the toes ease up a bit (those sound effects have got me wincing in sympathy) and that the tribunal goes well.

    Absolutely stunning photograph xo

  10. "Your baby died over a year ago and you're not still depressed/traumatised/grief stricken?"

    I would love to hear those words too! Unfortunately those who have not experienced the loss of a child understand the depths of our pain. Hang in there Barb...I hope things turn around for you soon! xx

  11. Oh Barb, your post is so reminiscent of what I went through with my so called 'caring' doctor last July! Whilst I bawled and snuffled my way through the consultation, getting worse by the second, trying to explain to her why I wasn't 'over it', she just pushed and pushed and in the end told me I needed to just 'take AD's and go back to work', that there was no diagnosis to make as it was now 'too far out' (over 6 months) to even call it PND.... and more. Does 'baby loss' even fit into their medical journals? How can they have no idea?? There is so much I could comment on from your post but that would be blog- hijacking! Just know that I'm with you, I hear you, I feel it, and I love you!!

    :) xxx



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