Flashback

When I was rushed into hospital a week after we lost George in quiet shock and terrified of the amount of blood I was losing, frightened at the size of the clots that were falling from me and feeling so dizzy at even sitting up in bed, and as they prepared me for surgery and the surgeon ordered 4 units of blood (they only gave me two in the end) I had one huge thought:

Don't die, don't die, you can't leave Ray on his own.

and one slightly less huge but still rather large thought that I think I probably conveyed to the surgeon in some desperate manner or other:

Please don't break my uterus, we need it.

This was quite a revelation to me, I've always felt a great deal of empathy and yet I've always been quite selfish but now there's finally someone, a tiny lost someone, the promise of someone and something to take myself away from me me me. Thank you George. Thank you Ray. Thank you future hope of baby to be.


Today I'm making lists.