Saturday, 17 January 2009

Another day

Another day at work. The feeling of dread began before I went to bed last night and came back to me before I got up this morning. The feeling is worse than the doing of course but I hope it goes away soon.

Boss was off today, I had the pleasure of Colleague all to myself. It's easier when one of them is off, they can't exclude me.

Colleague asked me how I was finding it. "Finding what?" I asked, was this a glimmer of compassion? "Being back at work, are you tired?" She quickly answered with a don't mention babies look on her face. "Yes, I'm tired" I said.

I was sorting through some stored bags of teddies, looking for valentines bears for a display when I came across a little blue teddy still in it's gift box. "It's a boy!" shouted it's teddy jumper. Breathe. Just. Breathe.

I got through another day. I don't want to get through another day. I want to enjoy my days.

One day I will. Soon soon soon please.


Today I feel subdued.


5 comments:

  1. Is it that job or is it just getting back into "it"? I was miserable when I returned to work, but I had been hoping to leave the job (and be a SAHM). But, when I got back, I realized I was just done with that job (My boss was also being sociopathic - long story, some is on my blog, most isn't).

    But finding bennies when you want to be pregnant again soon is not so easy...

    I set a deadline for myself to find a new job two months out... I din't find one so quit because it was unbearable - but it;s not completely w/o financial consequences...

    good luck surviving and figuring out what you need/want to do

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  2. I want you to enjoy your days more than anything Barbara, you deserve that!

    I wish I could come in and volunteer. I would put pepper in their tea and salt in there coffee. Horrible women.

    xxx Hoping you enjoy the weekend with Poppet.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ya Chun, thank you for your comment.

    I wanted to leave the job anyway and my pregnancy happened at the perfect time. I had an end date in sight. I planned to take my maternity leave and then quit.

    I knew it would be hard going back to any job but because I was already feeling miserable in this one I knew this would be much much worse.

    I think the idea of setting a deadline is a good idea. It will again give me an end date. A moment when I know I will be free.

    Yes, financially this will be difficult if I haven't found a new job but I think it might be the right way forward.

    I'll talk to Ray about this and decide on a deadline.

    Thank you for giving me practical advice for a way forward.

    xxx


    Carly, sweet Carly! I would so love you to be a volunteer and sabotage coffee and tea and talk to me in front of them about our lost babies.

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dearest Barbara, I so want you to enjoy your days and I send my best that it will be here soon.
    Some people are just horrid you have to wonder how they Stand to be around Themselves.

    ReplyDelete

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