Wednesday, 14 January 2009

Stop it

I've had so many thoughts rushing around my head since I got home from work yesterday afternoon. They kept me awake on and off last night when I was exhausted... or I suppose I could blame the yummy curry and give my head a break for once!

Today I've been dealing with them. Throwing out the negativity! "Stop it" I tell myself every time some argument breaks out between me and boss in my head and if she says this I'll say this. "Stop it" every time I let the dread back in of going to work for another day with people who have little compassion. "Stop it" every time I worry about my body not holding another baby safe. "Stop it" every time I wonder if my infection really has gone for good this time. "Stop it" every time I feel impatient to get all the tests and surgery over and done with.

In between food shopping, kitchen cleaning, scribbling, playing with the innernets and taking Ray cups of tea across the road where he is painting it has been an interesting day of stopits. However, my period is starting today and unfortunately I can't stopit at that! Bleaugh! I'm guzzling raspberry leaf tea by the pint in the hopes that the cramps won't be so bad this month. Argh! It seems like minutes ago that my last period ended.

Bloody fibroids.

Breeeeeathe...

To calm myself this afternoon I thought of my sweet baby and all of your precious babies, lit the candles, turned on the lights and found my smile, just before Ray came home.





(Yes, there are two Christmas cards still out.)


Another day at work tomorrow...


8 comments:

  1. I can't even tell you how often now I find myself stirred up and overheated from a complete argument I have had with someone who isn't even there. The lights are beautiful and so calming. Thanks for the reminder to stop, breathe, and love.

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  2. I always conversed with myself, even before loss, as a well practiced Gemini! But, now it is even worse..

    Just be patient yourselves - both of them.

    xoxo

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  3. I'm always having conversations in my head in preparation for conversations in real life.

    The only thing I can guarantee is that I'm not as eloquent in real life as I am in my imagination.

    I don't know how to make the voices stop....maybe candles are the answer.

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  4. What a beautiful picture and tribute to the lost little loves. Thank you for this, thank you for being kind to yourself.

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  5. thank you for the candles lovely barbara xo

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  6. Beautiful Pictures....It must such an aesthetic and calming experience to see those candles lit. Thanks for remembering those gone by.

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  7. Thank you, thank you for these images, this reminder.

    After an evening of horrible dreams - which felt like they were the direct result of the anger I was holding yesterday, I'm feeling a need to say, Stop It to myself this morning.

    It is a beautiful day, with fresh snow. A new day, a new start.

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  8. The candles are lovely...

    I have arguements in my head all the time - the ones that I tell people to f&*^ off. Of course I don't do this in real life.

    I am so proud of you going to work.

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