I find myself panicky today.
I'm going back to work tomorrow and I don't want to. I feel like stamping my feet, rolling on the floor screaming, "I don't wanna, I don't wanna!"
I should have started my maternity leave at the end of December but I find myself returning to the job I would have left behind me for a year and possibly longer. But that's my sadness, it's intense, it's making me cry, I knew it would be there and it's not the reason I'm feeling panicky.
I'm feeling panicky because I find that I just don't care about the business. I don't care about the charity organisation that I work for. I don't care about sales targets, I don't care about doing a good job and oh my, I really don't care to hear the petty problems of certain people there who constantly gripe and moan about their lot in life.
I'm worried that the all new me might just tell these people exactly what I think of them thus creating an impossible working situation. I'm worried that my attitude will show and I will be unable to work there when we need the money. The money. Yes, that's the only incentive I have for going back.
A few times during my back to work interview on thursday I almost laughed when the area manager thought that throwing myself into work might be good for me or when she mentioned the exciting promotions coming up or when she talked about her passion for the business. Great. Good for you. I do not care.
What I do care about, what I do feel passion for are Ray, my lost son and our families. I care about getting my body fixed so that we can try to make another baby with love. I care about getting pregnant as soon as I can so I can get on with being a mother to a living baby. I feel enthusiasm for a small business idea that I need to save some money for to make happen. I don't feel enthusiasm for the job I'm going to do tomorrow.
I know it's all normal and natural and I imagine that I will cope; that these concerns will come to nothing and I'll slip back into the daily routine of work.
Today I'm also getting ready for another monster period from hell to start tomorrow or wednesday and quite possibly this might be colouring my view.