Under the tree (June)

If you don't yet know about Under The Tree you can click here to find out about Carly's lovely idea.

I love these questions, it's good to laugh, have some fun and/or fool around. It doesn't mean we miss our babies less or hurt less. Tomorrow might be a crying day so grab the happy when it lands on you and embrace it!



Hair Color: Brown from a bottle! I've been going grey since I was about 18.

Eye color: Bluey/grey

Profession: I still don't know what I want to do with my life...

Relationship status: Two years together in July, is that all? It feels like forever (in a good way!) We are getting married eventually.


My Favorites: So many!


Favorite color: Aqua/turquoise.

Favorite movie: I don't really have one... North by Northwest perhaps, or Charade.

Favorite animal(s): Our not so itteh bitteh kittehs.

Favorite store: ebay addict!

Favorite childhood memory: Watching fascinated as my nan buttered a slice of bread, spread honey-from-the-comb and then sliced it from the loaf

Favorite hobby: Painting, photography, making jewellery, geeky computer stuff and general fiddling around with crafty stuff.

Favorite song/singer: I don't really have favourites, songs grab me and then let me go.

Favorite book/author: I don't have one favourite, I like all sorts from classic Shakespeare type stuff to pulpy crime type stuff but I'm not too keen on chicklit or horror.

Favorite school subject: Art, English literature

Favorite vacation destination: There are SO many places I want to see with Ray (and a new baby).

Favorite food: Fresh tomato and mozzarella with basil and olive oil. OR daaaaark chocolate! 70% proof or up.

Favorite restaurant: Our Indian restaurant The Spice Club I used to live just accross the road from it but then we got together and moved away (boo) and now they deliver (hooray!) when we can't be bothered to walk there. Also, any outdoor mediterranean restaurant with a view of the sea on a warm evening after a days sightseeing.


This or That: The other.


Coke or pepsi : Neither, yick. Water please.

Beer or wine: No alcohol

Coffee or tea: Tea or a take-out-a-mortgage decaf vanilla latte for a treat

Apple Juice or O.J.: Pear Williams juice, haven't had it since I lived in Switzerland, yum

Summer or Winter: Spring or Autumn

Cats or dogs: Both

Salty or sweet: Salty with the occasional uncontrollable urge for chocolate

Plane or boat: Balloon

Morning or night: Daylight

Money or love: Duh, all you need is love!

Breakfast or dinner: Brunch

Forgiveness or revenge: Forgiveness or is that forgiveness of myself after exacting revenge?

House or apartment: A house overlooking the sea

Like to cook: Sometimes


Have You Ever: Of course not, the very idea!


Got a speeding ticket: I don't drive and I can't walk that fast so, no.

Wished you were someone else: Not today.

Cried during a movie: Probably.

Describe yourself in one word: Eclectic.

Biggest fear: Living the rest of my life childless.

Biggest mistake: Oh lordy, I'm not even going to go there. I'm almost 42 you know, I've been there, done that, ruined the Tshirt, it could take a while...

Your proudest accomplishment: Loving and inspiring love.

Dream job: Making jewellery from home while baby sleeps.

Special talents: Ummm... the cheering up of Poppets.

Where would you rather be at the moment: Nursing George.

Famous person you want to meet: No one famous, except maybe our Carly!

Song to be played at your funeral: Stardust although I don't think I want a funeral.


Any one have any other questions they are dying to ask? Ask away!

Under the tree

If you don't know yet, the most wonderful Carly who gives so much of her time to write our babies names in the sand has started this wonderful idea of gathering us all together Under the tree to answer a few questions and support each other by commenting on those either new to blogging or lacking in comments.


And since Carly is my hero I'd like to play along!



Do you have a special place in your home for your baby/ies? What is it like? Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby/ies?

No, there's no one special place for George in our home. Many years ago Ray lost his father as a teenager and created a shrine to him, at some point he felt tied to it and felt that it didn't help him through his grief but rather made it much much worse. Ray struggled with his grief for many many years before finally letting go of his dad. I have resisted the urge to create a shrine and now I'm glad I did. George is everywhere.

I do love the place where we left George. Even though we've only been there twice; once to bury him and once to see if the bulbs we planted with him were blooming. It has a good feeling about it and I like to think of him running wild there. We're going back soon.

I suppose in a way my "shrine" is my necklace. George's name and date of birth. I feel as if it keeps him close. I touch it constantly through the day, I hold it between my lips or stroke the indentations of his stamped name. A touchstone.

If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby/ies? Have you ever felt their pressence? Do you find them in nature? Do they visit you in your dreams?

This is tough to explain. I don't believe in heaven or an afterlife but I do believe that when we die we don't just cease to exist. Our energy is transmuted into the essence of the earth. We become once again the stuff of stars of which we are made. Therefore George's energy is in and a part of every atom around us. He is with us. He is everywhere.

Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby/ies?

No, there isn't one special song or poem. Different songs and different poems at different times speak to me, spark a thought or a tear or a memory and for a while they are George's.

The song you hear on this page was one that Ray transferred to an mp3 player which plugs into our car. The first time I heard it I said, "Oh". It's the beginning of our relationship all rolled into one song. It's not even particularly of a style that I like! It's all in the words. Ray's song for us is Elton John's "Your song." And he really isn't an Elton John fan even one little bit! But the words speak to him, and now they speak to me about my fiancé and my son.

"How wonderful life is while you're in the world."

Under the tree

On the last Friday of each month, the most marvellously magnificent Carly will be hosting "Under the tree"


In her own words,

"So my plan is this. On the last Friday of each month I will post a few questions on here. If you would like to be a part of this support network you can copy and paste the questions to your own blog. Once you have answered them you can copy and paste the link from your blog in a comment here for others mothers to find you. If you don't have a blog and would still like to take part you can leave your answers in a comment. ... I find that my work in the names site introduces me to so many newly bereaved women who have blogs with no readers and zero comments, which means no support. I want that to change."

Me too! Without this support network of marvellous babylost parents my life would be a much darker place.


"So here's to our first gathering under the tree"


I'm late, I know, I know, forgive me please!!!

How long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?

I started this blog on the morning of the 27th October 2008, 7 days after losing George. In the afternoon I was rushed back into hospital, bleeding heavily, dizzy and scared, for an emergency D&C to removed bits of placenta.

I blogged quite a lot before on my MySpace page. Since losing George I haven't played much over there and I'm more often to be found twittering or on facebook.

When I began I had so many thoughts and feelings rushing about my head that I needed an outlet. I use it as a way of sorting out my thoughts, recording my grief and connecting with the amazing community I found here. You mean what I'm feeling is normal?

I'm not sure what I want from it. Promising myself to blog every day forces me to organise those thoughts and feelings and sometimes the act of putting them down on the screen helps in my understanding and acceptance of this grief journey. This day is done, this is what I want to share, bring on the next day.

If in sharing, there is one other person who has thought, "oh yes, me too" then I think I'm doing something worthwhile.

Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?

Here. There is the expectation out there in the real world to hurry up and get over it, move on, pick yourself up, dust yourself off. Hide your pain from the world. But I won't be hurried, I won't be pushed and I insist on allowing myself the time to feel whatever I feel and it makes people uncomfortable.

I talk to Ray and there are a couple of people that understand out there but even they don't want to hear about it all the time. Goodness, even I don't want to hear about my grief all the time!

Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?

Not really, I read Elizabeth McCrackens book and although I empathised, it didn't really speak to me. I haven't read anything else on the subject of dead babies.

How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. How have you changed, who are you today?

I was lighter. Now I carry the weight of our dead son. Ray and I had only been together for a year when we got pregnant and everything was wonderful. I knew about miscarriage and stillbirth but I don't think I realised how often it happens but of course, it wasn't going to happen to me.

I have skirted around depression in the past as I am doing now. We eye each other warily without getting too close. I think fighting it makes it worse. Yesterday I was happy and then depressed for a while and today I'm fine. It's normal. It's not out of control and I know it will pass.

Today in some ways I am stronger and in others so much more fragile. I always thought I might want a child; now I know for sure. I'm more aware of time passing than before. Days since Goerge, weeks between hospital appointments, days before due date, time left of babymaking years. My world has higher highs and lower lows than before. I feel more. I laugh more. I cry more. I empathise more. I appreciate more.

How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?

I'm doing quite well. All things considered. I think.

In a year? I think that's obvious isn't it?!