We got the letter today. Finally. The letter that was promised soon after our follow up appointment with the obstetrician on the 16th December. The letter that sums up our appointment. The letter that tries to explain what went wrong.
I haven't read it yet.
My Mum is having a hard time with my Dad. His memory is getting worse and she has to remind him of almost everything a minute after telling him. It's as if she's losing him a memory at a time. She finds it frustrating at times and sometimes needs to get out and away from my Dad.
She came to our house to tell me off this morning because she's only seen us twice since Christmas and that's not good enough. We don't live far, walking distance in fact and we should, I should go to see them more often. Oops, tears and more tears, I was holding them in from thinking of the contents of that letter. I tried to tell her that sometimes it's all I can do to get up in the morning and then she started on at me about depression and counselling. I must call, I must do this, I must do that. Ooh my Mum can be bossy! I will call the counselling service by the way, but in my own time. She's bossy, I'm stubborn. What a combination!
I love my Mum to bits and pieces and she does understand but she simply can't allow me to be sad and grieve. In her mind I have to get over it and move on. She comes from a time when getting on with it was the norm. She grew up during ww2 when so many people died that all that was left was to get on with it. Grief was buried and life was lived. When she had her miscarriage she was told by the doctor to stop crying and get on with it. So she did. I suppose she just can't stand to see her daughter unhappy. But I'm NOT depressed. I am grieving the loss of my beautiful son and I WILL take as long as I need.
Mum and I went shopping together after that and then for a (decaf for me) coffee and I tried to explain. I am sad, but I'm also so happy to be alive and to be with Ray. It's a fine balance that I'm working on and it isn't easy and sometimes it means I neglect my parents and for that I'm sorry.
We're going for lunch on sunday.
Today is a two-post day.