Optimism shmoptimism

No I'm not quite there yet but the hormonal tears have dried up for now and I've been distracting myself by making bracelets.

I'm putting them up for sale in the next couple of days (hint). They are well and truly one of a kind, never to be repeated originals! (how am I doing with the sales talk?) They are made from recycled sterling silver chain, sheet and beads. I'm going to make a little "signature tag" to attach to them tomorrow to complete them. Well, not quite complete because they haven't been stamped with names, dates or messages yet!

Your opinions please!

On this one, the round tag says hope and the rectangular tag says peace, the heart is covered in love. The stones are onyx.

This one has a cut out rose that I originally made 20 years ago (!!!) as earrings! There is a leaf charm, a spiral charm and an amber charm.

I changed one of the stones on this, the first one I made. Moonstone and rose quartz. the round tag says hope and the heart says love.

This evening I feel satisfied that I can indeed create something.
(insert that-smily-that-has-a-lopsided-slightly-ironic-smile here)

PS does any one have a lucky fertility monitor that they don't need (whoop for you!) any more? Will pass it on when it's done it's job for me.


Oh, and I'm mostly ok. Thank you all for your messages of support and hugs. They are very much appreciated. Very much indeed.

Minutiae

I've been feeling pretty miserable for the last couple of days. Not sure why. Might be money worries (we got 'em). Might be possible, probable "independant" medical exam to prove I'm too sad to work (I think I am). It could be wishing, wanting, longing SO hard for a new baby and wishing, wanting, longing SO much for the one I can't have (I am I am I am). Whatever it is/was/will be all over again, it's easing off a bit. I don't like the dark place. It's exhausting.

Itteh bitteh kittehs became cattons and are now becoming cats. They are both draped around my macbook on my lap right now, trying to sit on it and I'm breaking up occasional bouts of wrestling. I like the warmth. Sketch keeps trying to scale the walls and leave the garden. It's not dangerous out there. I'm just not ready.

I had never even heard of Kibworth Harcourt in Leicestershire (pronunciation guide: Lester-sh'r) until that Live-Feed-who's-visiting-your-blog widget told me I lived there. I live about 180 miles from there. Technology doesn't always work.

This has grabbed my attention. The rhythm method?

I have been wondering why, at 42, forty two dammit, I still feel pangs of sibling rivalry. Need. to. let. that. go.

I have also been wondering why, at 42, forty two dammit to hell, I still don't feel like a grown-up and thinking maybe, yes, this is a good thing.

The real reason I don't want to be 42, fort... oh you get the picture, is that it's not exactly the best time to be revving up your reproductive system. Otherwise, I feel more me than I did at any other time in my life.

Why do cats insist on showing you their bottoms really close-up?

I have too many ideas running about in my head to let me get a good nights sleep. I would like my head to shut down and power off at around 11.30pm. Geek.

I want to make bracelets. Funky bracelets with silver and charms and names and cotton cord and I need to go and do that right now.

It is my turn for good news. Isn't it?

I made a new thing...

...and of course I had to have George's name written on it.

It's about 1.5cm / 1/2 inch square and the name is hand written. I think it looks a bit like a page from a book.

It's very much not perfect but I think it's not bad for my first attempt with Precious Metal Clay (which is fine silver - more pure than the silver I work with now) and I rather like it.

I'm thinking of making some more and selling them in my shop, what do you think?

Just a little request

No no, not those conception vibes, not just yet.

No, I want to ask any of you who have ordered or received a necklace or tag from me to take a photo of yourself wearing it!

I want to make a slideshow/collage for my shop and more importantly, I really want to see my little creations being worn by you lovely people!

If you'd rather not have your face in a photo, a shot from your chin down? Or ask me to edit it?

Please?

Thank you.

Click "send me and email" in the link bar above to send a photo.

Thank you.

And hold that conception vibes thought for a day or so will you?

Thank you.

And have you entered yourself or a friend in my giveaway?

xxx

I've been busy

Five new necklaces ready and waiting to be personalised!

And just in case you want to see the mess untangled!

(day 38 and counting... bah!)

Pride

Ray tells everyone that I'm making jewellery. His Mum, his brothers and sisters, all of his friends. It's lovely to know that my poppet is proud of what I'm doing. It makes me stand just a little bit taller.



He has even procured a commission for me too! One of his friends wants me to turn his tattoo into a piece of silver jewellery. I think I can, I think I can...




And then I have a moment when I remember that in a very different reality I have no time for this. I was searching ebay for supplies when I cam across a listing for various pieces of sheet silver and the reason for sale? "I don't have time to continue making jewellery now that I have a new baby"

Mish mash*

*Or, I can't think of anything even vaguely profound to write today so here, have some silly photos and a button.

I worked on some jewellery this morning, made some tea, made lunch for my poppet who is once again working across the road, made a cuppa because birni said we should, read some blog posts and cried and laughed and grieved along with you, made tea, thought of George, put some washing out (oops forgot it, it's still outside in the dark, oh-well-never-mind-ay) checked to see if the seeds I planted yesterday had germinated (no) made more tea, peed on a get-ready-for-emergency-sex stick** (no)... you see, not a terribly exciting day. What to blog about?

So Ray shared I stole two of Ray's photos today from our trip to Glastonbury. I do so love having my photo taken***.

Look at me look at me look at me!
Getting in the way of Ray trying to take photos of old buildings,
sheesh, I need your attention more than a pile of old bricks.

And, almost preternatural in it's accuracy before-the-fact,
this is the face you will see when when when we get those two lines.
Imagine a hand holding up a peed-on-stick and you just about have it.

And no that's not a bad 80's Human League stylee lopsided haircut, I have one side tucked behind my ear. And it was very windy at the top of that hill. And it was a bit frizzy that day.****


And finally, if anyone would like to put my brand-new-made-today shop button on their blog just copy the code here and stick it somewhere in your sidebar and there you are. And if you don't want to I won't be at all offended. Not a bit. Nope*****. (first batch posted yesterday morning!) And I revamped my shop's banner so you might want to scoot on over for a look!


<br /><br /><a href="http://tinymomentsofpurejoy.misi.me.uk" target="”_blank”"><img src="http://i361.photobucket.com/albums/oo51/bebou_photos/Shopbutton2small.jpg" /></a><br /><br />





**I seem to have developed an-uncontrollable-urge to hyphenate-every-word-I-can.
***blatant lie
****excellent bad hair day excuses
*****not a blatant lie

I made a new one!

I finished all of the orders from the website now and I'll be posting tomorrow! For a sneak preview of some of them, pop over to my shop and have a look!

I made a new necklace too!



In other news. I peed on a stick today, checking for early signs of ovulation, ready and willing to "get busy" in the name of newbaby making. A little too early for testing really, but hey, desperate times and all that. It's bloody scary I can tell you... but I'm sure you know that.

We thought we had evilfibroids to blame and then *poof* we're told there's nothing in the wrong place. I'm going to wrap myself up in cotton wool for this pregnancy, and even that won't guarantee us a real live breathing baby at the end of it. But when when when we have our livebaby at home I'll be getting those bloody fibroids removed if I have to do it myself with a spoon. Yes indeedy. Uh huh.

Grieflet, 'puter rage and boxing clever.

I've been feeling quite emotional this evening. Grief just arrives out of the blue and settles itself in next to you like that one relative you never want to be stuck with at a wedding. Maybe it was all the baby talk yesterday catching up with me.



Ray has been doing some serious "tweaking" to his pc today. Delving into places most people leave to their computer shop. He builds computers for friends but he still gets incredibly frustrated at the hoops he has to jump through to hack into his own system. As each hour passed the tap tap tap on the keyboard got louder and louder until I thought he might break it. And then there was the muttering. Dark grumbles and obscene insults hurled under his breath at a computer system that just. wouldn't. listen.

I wandered off into the kitchen/jewellery workshop (of course we don't actually need to eat at the kitchen table, no, no, no of course the silver dust won't get into the food) to do some polishing and I could still hear the tap tap tap TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP from there. I answered back with a tap bang THUD of my hammer.

At 1pm we had to have a cuddle on the sofa to calm frazzled nerves. I sent him off to see his friend for a break and he ended up... fixing his computer. Peace has finally returned to computer corner this evening.


My boxes arrived this morning. I do so love answering the door in my dressing gown at 10am. I had a call from the company yesterday saying they had sold out of the size I wanted because Cambridge university had bought 24oo of them that week to hold a commemorative 800 years anniversary pin. Yes, 800 years of education since 1209. Coo I am in illustrious company here... the woman was terribly apologetic but offered the next size up at no extra cost. I think it's a better fit than the smaller one might have been.

I have almost finished stamping everything ordered so far. It's taking me longer than I thought because I feel the need to double, triple and quadruple check the names and dates as I really don't want to make a mistake! These tags and pieces of jewellery are too important and are becoming more precious to me as they near completion. I'll be sending them with love on monday or tuesday.

I have another one-off almost ready too!

To those of you who have asked if I would like you to link to my little shop, I don't mind at all!
The address is http://tinymomentsofpurejoy.misi.me.uk/

Social engagement

Ray's sister invited us for dinner. We haven't seen her much since George died because she's been dealing with her own grief over the death of her sometimes estranged husband who was the same age as me. She's doing ok.

She is the first person to ask for the intimate details of George's death and birth. She wanted to know if he took a breath, when I stopped feeling him move, and what the birth was like. No one, not one other person has asked us these questions before and I quite surprised myself by not crying as I answered. I think I love her. Her 5 year old daughter calls us auntie Brarb and auntie Ray, likes singing Abba songs and has no volume control (she told me when I asked). I quite like being an auntie.

It's been a day for talking about babies today. I saw my Mum this afternoon and a family friend who talked about her daughter who lost three babies after her two boys and before her daughter. I heard of the people who told her she shouldn't grieve because she had two living children. That it was her fault because she wasn't satisfied with two boys and tried for a daughter. The insensitivity and downright meanness of people never ceases to amaze me.

My Mum told me once again to be patient. Today she and my Dad saw "the most beautiful rocking crib" ... ahem, who needs to be patient?



I'm so enjoying stamping names into jewellery and I think about each of our sweet babies as I do it. I'm just waiting for my little boxes to arrive and then I can start posting!

I think I'm going to need some more silver... and some more hours in the day to keep up with your blogs!

Names

This morning I got busy with the jewellery. It feels good to be making something and even better to be making things in remembrance of your sweet children. Thank you thank you thank you thank you for your support, for putting your trust in me and for ordering something if you did. If you did order, I'll get your item to you as soon as I can. Thank you again!


This afternoon we went for a little drive. We wandered around a little harbour that had obviously just finished building new floating docks for the boats. They were named. One was called George Seagull dock. Ray called me over, "Look, they've named it after our son". I haven't grinned so widely for a long time.

Open for business!

Flippin' 'eck this is scary!

Click the picture to go to my MISI shop. I've also put the link on my side bar.

The address is, http://tinymomentsofpurejoy.misi.me.uk


Don't you love the name of my shop?! It makes for a long email address though!

I just finished uploading all the photos and I know the jewellery is already being looked at. It's quite weird waiting for something to sell. Is it nice enough? Are the prices right? Do the photos do them justice? Am I good enough to do this?

I have really enjoyed making things again and I hope to continue to do it while waiting to make something else too! (I only hope that wait isn't too long!)

I should have another one-off ready for tomorrow evening too!

Phew, I think I need a nice cup of healthy decaf tea now...

Made with love. Part two

Continuing with my theme of optimism. Which, after yesterday is waning a little from its first rush. Which could also have something to do with my foot which is hurting like a §@$& today or maybe from the cramps I'm having quite a few days after my period ended which was mostly cramps and not too much bleeding. I should be glad of that but I hate that my periods are different, it makes me worry that my internal ladybits aren't working properly any more. Even though they weren't actually working properly in the first place. Bah. Roll on evilfibroidectomy.

Where was I? The optimism, where did I leave it? Coo, you put something down for a minute and... ah there it is.

Thank you all for your comments and encouragement about the name tag I made for George. I never realised that such a little thing would make such a big splash!

I'm going to have to sort myself out now, get my hands dirty and do some proper work, figure out a small enough price that is big enough to make a small enough profit and set up a small shop. It feels good to do something creative again. It's a nice feeling, so it is.

And ideas would be welcome. And those of you who commented saying you would like one will be top of my list when I'm ready to go. If you still want one then... or two...

I don't have the resources at the moment to buy chains. So I was thinking of just selling the tags, as many letters as needed, around 5mm wide and 2.5 - 3cm long depending on the number of letters in the name or maybe words (faith, love, courage, etc) and I've just sent for some number stamps so some numbers too if anyone wanted a date. So you get to fill your necklace with as many tags as you want, with whatever combination of words and/or numbers as you want. I know it's all been done before, but not by me and certainly not with such rock bottom, supersaver discounts-for-friends prices as I'm hoping of thinking of promising!!! Well, I havent a clue really but will be doing much research over the next couple of weeks.

If it wasn't for losing George, if it wasn't the mean nastiness of my welcome back to work, if it wasn't for this overwhelming need to create something out of loss I wouldn't be doing this, even though making jewellery has been something I've wanted to get back into for years. It saddens me that it's taken all this to push me into doing something I love again.

Oops there goes the optimism again.

Made with love

I made this yesterday, and with tears in my eyes while I sawed, filed, stamped and polished, I'm surprised it worked! It felt good stamping George's name and rather therapeutic to create something with love.

It doesn't shout, it's tiny, only about 2.5cm, far from perfect and I can't stop touching it. It's already become my talisman, my worry bead, my touchstone. I may even have to make it again with thicker silver in case I wear it away.

Ray brought the butterfly for me on our first (and so far, only) holiday together in Rhodes. Hopefully we'll be going away again soon.

I'm thinking of turning this into a small business, something I can do now and more importantly when we have a baby at home.

Tell me what you think.

And I shall be adding to this necklace at some point. I made another one for me and put it away safely, a blank one ready and waiting for the name of a brother or sister...