I'm a knicker checking fool

Thank you SO much for all the comments and messages on my announcement. It means the world to me to have your support and lovely good wishes.

We have such a long way to go. At 42 there are so many risks and pitfalls to get past. I'm trying to take it one day at a time but I'd quite like to wake up at 21 weeks and be bored silly until the birth.

However.

I'm still pregnant today which is good news.

I am nauseous which is good news.

My boobs are really sore which is good news.

I'm feeling frightened, anxious, restless and impatient which isn't so good.

Every time I feel a little... um... damp... I'm rushing to the toilet to check for blood. Which isn't good at all.

There's no blood at all which is super good fantastic news.

Hopefully the restlessness and anxious knicker checking symptoms will dissipate.

January is a looooooooooong way away.

Dr Compassion was speechless. "Oh............. wow........... er........... congratulations!"

Dr Compassion is contacting the consultant ob/gyn to get an appointment for me sooooooon.

I have a midwife appointment on Tuesday (in the UK the first appointment with a midwife is usually at around 8 weeks, I'll be 5w3d I think)

I'm terrified.

This is our last chance.

I'm so very glad you're all out there.

the quiet whisper of the chance of a dream of a hope

Fear, joy, terror, amazement, wonder, shock, incredulity... hyperventilating... palpitations... not this month surely? This month of stress? Sick parent and tribunal? Flu.ox.etine?

1 year, 10 months and 27 days after the test that told us that George was made, one ovulation peestick in desperation because I only had one hpt, one internet cheapie hpt this morning, one digital test this afternoon and a whole heap of stress and tears and...

I have to whisper because I can hardly believe it...

I'm pregnant.

Vibes urgently needed please: sticky, happy, healthy, longevity, full term, live baby, calm... yes definitely need loads of calm vibes... whatever vibes you have to spare I'll take them.

I believe this is going to be a bumpy ride.

Whatever happens.

Outside myself

After the stress of the last few weeks we thought it was high time for a new adventure.

A search for some wonder.

I haven't walked far for quite a while but my feet were having a good day so we decided to go to Wistman's wood.

 A long but fairly flat path stretched out before us. Good, no climbing!

We could see our goal clinging to the right side of this beautiful valley.

Ancient dwarfed and twisted oak trees grow amongst the moss covered granite boulders.

Made safe from the nibbling teeth of moorland sheep, cows and ponies by the boulders, these woods have survived and regenerated the centuries of a cooling then warming climate, the human habitation that cut trees for fuel, farmed it and grazed animals on it and turned it into the beautiful moorland we see today.

 It's a peculiar, almost alien place.

A little spooky perhaps.

But goodness, you see the strangest things in an enchanted wood.

Back along the path basement cat watched us leave.

Spring comes late to Dartmoor. 

It is only just starting to unfurl.

Maybe a two mile walk wasn't such a good idea for my feet but it was worth it.

We just have to go back again when the trees are in leaf.

I found a little peace in that wild place. 

I'm hoping I brought a bit of it home with me too.

Undefeated

Lying in bed this morning with a cat snoring near my shoulder and another curled up at my side and my Poppet snoring not so gently next to me I had a sleepy vision of a little boy in blue pyjamas-with-feet climbing up on the stool Ray made me because our new bed is so high to get in on the morning snuggles. That was the word I heard this little boy saying. "Snuggles" as he launched himself at the bed.

And I felt utterly bereft.

I think internet should be on prescription for the lost and bereaved. I can't imagine how I would have got through the last 17 months without the support and gentle advice of this community. Thank you SO much for your words of support and encouragement.

I took a little pill this morning.

I'm not expecting a miracle cure by this afternoon. The only possible "cure" would be for me to wake up tomorrow morning to the sounds of my 14 month old son. For now all I'm hoping for is that the little pill doesn't make me feel sick.

But things have been piling up on me. A big steaming heap of pressure and stress. Some of it self inflicted (who isn't their own worst enemy?) but most of it circumstantial. Mum Worry Dad Worry Pain Grief Panic Depression Mum Worry Dad Worry Pain Grief Panic Depression...

No I'm not defeated and I haven't given up.

Round 47364960382: Barbara applies a flu.oxe.tine plaster to her broken heart for a while.