I do not like you. One. Little. Bit. Your friend Achy Hip Pain is bad enough but you make me feel as if someone has kicked me very hard in the external lady parts. Compound this with the occasional kung fu kick or jujitsu chop to the internal lady parts and I am squeaking and jumping with gay abandon. Eek.
Dear twitchy restless feelings,
Be productive for goodness sake. I need to finish the lining for the crib and
As of this time next week do feel free to drop in on us for some serious cuddles. In fact, please turn your dear little head in the right direction (down - in case you aren't sure) and get a wriggle on. I do not want to be induced and I do not want a c-section. I will take either if necessary, but oh my, wouldn't it be nice not to? And I promise on all that is chocolate that you will have a name.
Dear husband of mine,
I love you to infinity and beyond the beyond that is infinitely beyond infinity. BUT. Eating the remainder of a heavily pregnant woman's malted-milk-with-chocolate biscuits because you had a "snack atack" at midnight after visiting your friend is NOT ON. Even if you "tried" not to eat another and then another and then "tried" to save a few and then failed to save even a crumb. They were given over to your care to ensure that I didn't eat them all in one go (as I cannot be trusted not to binge), not so you could break that sacred trust between husband and wife.
Dear mother of mine,
I love you but no, you do not need to hold me up on the way to the pool nor can you help me go faster than a slow waddle, undress me at the pool, stop me from falling at the pool side (I haven't) or dress me after the pool. I have mucho pain at times but I am not an invalid and seriously, you are 80 and would go down with me. Helping me with my socks however, is very much appreciated.
Dear hypnobirthing mp3,
Please stop putting me to sleep. Granted I am listening to you in bed. At night. When I am exhausted. But I am going to bed earlier to listen to you telling me that I will find the whole birth "experience" "enjoyable" *snort* and it is decidedly unfair of you to be this boring. On the other hand, thank you for putting me to sleep.
Dear boobs of mine,
Please work in the way in which nature intended. I will of course forgive you if you don't but pretty please?
Please stop tempting me with your cute baby clothes bundles and bargains. Please. We need to eat too.
Dear bed and assorted pillows,
Please please please try to be comfortable for more than a couple of hours tonight. Mmmmkay?