Tea and Unbirthday Cakes

We had a little tea party yesterday.

I made Chocolate brownie-ishes and a Cinnamon apple cakeythingybodge and we ate a small piece of each with a nice cup of tea and thought of what might have been. 

My period started yesterday too, which seemed like such a mean cruel joke, but it's ok. I have Ray. I have kittehs. I have cake. I have you. I think I can feel you all holding on to hope for us. Thank you. Keep holding on? Have some cake.

The recipes were bodged together from; two or three chocolate brownie recipes, a one-egg cake recipe (because I only had two eggs and wanted two different cakes), a few apple blondie/cake recipes and a convert cups of butter to grams site and a never mind my scales' batteries are dead convert grams to cups site. The nicest bit was the aroma of the apples, dark molasses sugar, bit of butter and plenty of cinnamon heating gently in a pan (none of the recipes called for part-cooked apples but I just felt like doing it for the luurvely smell. It made the cakeythingybodge jolly nice too!

I more or less halved the sugar content of the recipes I found because I think most cakes tend to taste of sugar and not of whatever flavour cake it is. So the 70% dark chocolate brownie-ishes taste nice and not-too-sweet and cinnamon apple is the predominant flavour of the cakeythingybodge (more apple would be even better though).

And I have just realised that I am indeed and in fact becoming my mother... who never ever makes too-sweet cakes. Aaargh! And she also makes a boiled fruit cake that is scrumptious but never has enough cherries in it, so I'm not quite there yet.

::

Cinnamon Apple cakeythingybodge

1 egg

100 grams butter, and an extra blob for apple cooking.

1 teaspoon expensive vanilla essence with bits

1/2-1/3 (wasn't too accurate) cup mix of caster sugar and dark molasses sugar, sort of half and half with a little saved to cook with apples.

2 nice apples peeled and sliced and cooked gently for a little while with a some of the sugar and a blob of the butter

1 other apple, grated and not cooked but only because I decided I wanted more apple, I would have added a fourth but I didn't have any more.

1 1/2 cups flour

I'm not sure how much cinnamon, at least a teaspoon, maybe more cooked with the apple, and another teaspoon mixed with the flour

2 teaspoons baking powder

pinch of salt

::

Beat egg viciously

remove kitteh from vicinity of butter

Beat butter, vanilla and sugar together even more violently, taking all of your frustrations out on them (easier to take out frustrations by beating with wooden spoon)

rub aching arm
remove kitteh again 

add beaten egg (not to arm or kitteh)

add apple mixture without licking spoon until all apple is added

add flour (with baking powder, salt and cinnamon mixed in) a bit at a time

pour into small cake tin or a small rectangular glass dish

sprinkle a little dark sugar on top because you like the idea of crunchy bits

cook for about 20 minutes at 180c or until a knife comes out clean
cool before cutting into pieces

 

 Chocolate brownie-ishes

1 egg

100 grams butter

1/2 cup dark molasses sugar and caster sugar mixed about half and half

100 gram bar lovely good quality dark delicious chocolate that you absolutely did not nibble at the corner, the very idea.

1 cup flour with a pinch of salt and a teaspoon of baking powder

::

 Melt chocolate with butter in bain marie type set up

resist urge to drink resulting buttery chocolatey yumminess

allow to cool a little

mix in sugar

allow to cool a bit more

resist urge to stick finger in chocolatey yumminess

beat egg and add to chocolate mix

add flour bit by bit

think that next time you will add some chocolate chips and maybe dried cranberries or cherries

pour into small cake tin or a small rectangular glass dish

cook for only 15 minutes at 180c

(I cooked mine for a bit longer and it isn't quite chewy enough)

sprinkle a bit of caster sugar on top because you don't have any icing sugar

allow to cool completely before cutting

Don't eat them all at once. Or do and suffer later.

The dream of a day that never was

Sometime this week we should have been two happy parents preparing a little birthday party. Nothing elaborate, just cupcakes and cookies, and a chance for grandparents to fuss and spoil and spend time.

A chance to celebrate a year of firsts.

A chance for a fun family gathering.

I would have closely watched my Dad with my son, hoping that they knew each other. Trying to fix the images to memory. Hoping there was some strange and wonderful communication between one who was just beginning to understand and one who was losing understanding. Hoping my son would remember.

There would have been hundreds of photos. Little moments captured and treasured.

I grieve for the boy that is missing from this life.

I grieve for the life that we are missing.



George would have been one year old had we travelled to his due date together.

I have a very important favour to ask

Could you hang on to hope for me?

Only for a little while. Not too long.

It's just that I can feel it slipping from my grasp and I need to keep it in some safe hands while I do a bit of essential maintenance to my optimism tank, untangle my stress wires and buff up my zen bumpers.

I'd be ever so grateful.

And thank you, thank you for your words of encouragement and solidarity yesterday.  It helped. A lot.

At a loss

click for a larger view

I'm left feeling flat after reading this.

There was a sort of finality about our fertility clinic visit and a sort of "there's nothing of much use we can do" to this letter.

We can go this far and no further.

I keep trying to concentrate on the good news.

IamovulatingnormallyIamovulatingnormallyIamovulatingnormallyIamovulatingnormally has become my mantra.


We can go this far and no further.
 
Part of me wants to stamp my feet and shout, "We'll see about that!" and part of me just wants to curl up and weep.