I'm ok, we're ok.
My fever came back last night, not as fierce as the morning but I decided that as it's the body's natural way of fighting something I would let it run it's course. I tossed and turned a bit last night, hot and cold, but this morning I woke without the groggy achy feeling of yesterday and a normal temperature.
Today was an ordinary day.
We woke up, I made us tea to drink in bed, we chatted about nonsense and what to do with this day. We got up eventually, late as is usual these days. We made breakfast, popped into town to do a couple of things, popped my sick note into work, and then drove to the supermarket.
I realised that I didn't want to make a big thing of George's due date. Ray didn't want to either. I realised that this whole big due date thing was about me and not about George. As Carly reminded me in a comment on a previous blog, George's special day has passed. This big build up in my head was about my hopes and expectations. I have been thinking a lot today about what might have been and trying to let go of what should have been (a subtle difference and I'm not quite there yet but I think it's important). I've also been trying to think into the future and see us as parents to two children, one living and one not and trying to get comfortable with that idea. It doesn't sit too well, but it will just jolly well have to wear in a bit.
I don't feel any sadder than yesterday and I don't think I'll feel any sadder tomorrow. George is gone and we miss him, or rather, we miss the promise of him. I sometimes feel as if I wear a veil of sadness around me that will one day wear away leaving a few tatters that never quite disappear. And I'm ok with that. It's just a wonder that no one out there can see it.
We are ok.