My fever came back last night, not as fierce as the morning but I decided that as it's the body's natural way of fighting something I would let it run it's course. I tossed and turned a bit last night, hot and cold, but this morning I woke without the groggy achy feeling of yesterday and a normal temperature.
I'm ok.
Today was an ordinary day.
We woke up, I made us tea to drink in bed, we chatted about nonsense and what to do with this day. We got up eventually, late as is usual these days. We made breakfast, popped into town to do a couple of things, popped my sick note into work, and then drove to the supermarket.
I realised that I didn't want to make a big thing of George's due date. Ray didn't want to either. I realised that this whole big due date thing was about me and not about George. As Carly reminded me in a comment on a previous blog, George's special day has passed. This big build up in my head was about my hopes and expectations. I have been thinking a lot today about what might have been and trying to let go of what should have been (a subtle difference and I'm not quite there yet but I think it's important). I've also been trying to think into the future and see us as parents to two children, one living and one not and trying to get comfortable with that idea. It doesn't sit too well, but it will just jolly well have to wear in a bit.
I don't feel any sadder than yesterday and I don't think I'll feel any sadder tomorrow. George is gone and we miss him, or rather, we miss the promise of him. I sometimes feel as if I wear a veil of sadness around me that will one day wear away leaving a few tatters that never quite disappear. And I'm ok with that. It's just a wonder that no one out there can see it.
I'm ok.
We are ok.
I admire your strength, I really do. And I think your day sounds perfect.
ReplyDeleteYou've given me a lot to think about, as my own day is coming soon. But I too have realized that the "babies' day" has already come and gone, and won't be back around for a while. The due date is just a symbol of what should have been. Thank goodness for good friends like Carly to remind us of that :)
But still- it's hard. But it sounds like you made it through with beauty and grace. I was certainly thinking of you.
I am glad that you found the strength... the day sounds perfect and peaceful.
ReplyDeleteI was prepared for Sam to come on whatever day he chose and so I didn't get too sad (well, more sad than usual) on the day he was "supposed" to come. That being said, I find anniversaries of any kind hard. Like you said, it's the promise of what would have been. Thinking of you & George. ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteJust sending you lots of love today and every day.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post, thank you for sharing your thoughts and heart. ((Hugs)) I love that you have a cuppa together and chat up some nonsense.
ReplyDeleteHolding you in my thoughts, and remembering George alongside you.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you're ok, but I never expected yo to be any other way. You're just that kinda girl. That's what I admire about you, and I wish I could be a bit more like you in that way. The due date thing is a weird one. I of course went past mine before losing her, so when that date comes around, I know I will feel bad for me as like you, I will just wish she came on that day.
ReplyDeleteLots of love to you and Ray xo
"We miss the promise of him" I like the way you worded that.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you weren't any sadder than yesterday. There's hope in the little things. Here's to hoing that you don't feel any sadder tomorrow.
Love love love to you both x
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