Birni's last post before she went away for a few days struck a cord with me.
How to prepare for the possibility of a new pregnancy? What, if anything, to prepare?
Physically, apparently, I'm ready. Emotionally, I am so so so so SO ready and absolutely not ready at the same time.
We had nothing. There was plenty of time. Nothing at home anyway. I had a few things stored at work that no one would let me bring home because it was "unlucky". Now I have the feeling that I want those thingsat home ready (those that haven't been sold without asking me anyway but that's another story).
We didn't want to know George's sex before his birth but now I wonder if we should find out as soon as possible. (I am of course assuming that we can get pregnant again) If it were to happen again I want to know that I'm losing my son or my daughter. I don't want to find out the sex of our baby when his or her lifeless body is lying in front of me.
Beautiful Birni is preparing a bag.
I think I might want one too.
There used to be the tradition for unmarried women to build up a trousseau, a bottom drawer, a hope chest ready with some of the linens and clothes she would take with her when she left her family home to get married. It's a similar feeling to want to prepare such a thing for a baby. Surely not all the women who had hope chests got married? That's where the word hope comes in to it.
It would be a sort of hope bag, a wish bag and a what-if bag of a few things ready for any eventuality. Any at all. Should I buy these just because I love them and I hope to have two little feet to dress in them? I found my own baby blanket a while ago, and never thought to ask for it to wrap our son in. Maybe it should go in the bag and then I would have something made with love to wrap our baby in if it dies and a lovely blanket to keep it warm in if it lives?
My grandmother used to crochet the most beautiful baby clothes. Many years ago I asked her to make some things for a friend who was pregnant with her third (I'm SO late at this babymaking business) and when she gave them to me there were two piles. One for my friends baby and one for my one-day baby. My Gran died 15 years ago. I still have the pile for my one-day baby. Of course none of it would have fitted George but they can go into the bag.
In the end it didn't really matter. Anything we did or do for Geroge after his death is really something done for us. Done for our grief, for our healing, for our memories. But still...
I debate with myself about this. Can you tell? Start now, in hope of what might be? Wait until a positive test? Wait until 12 weeks? Wait until after the point at which we lost George? Not prepare anything until the very last moment?
I know we have cultural differences but I'm sure this is a common theme going through many of our minds. Somehow I feel I have to do things differently. It's as if by changing the only things I have the power to change I will somehow change the outcome. Because we had nothing maybe if our next baby to be has it's own things ready for him or her, he or she won't be able to leave?
Do you dare to plan? What would you do? What did you do?