Sunday, 29 March 2009

The other point of view

Ray went to see his friend last night. His friends wife and baby son have been in Russia since before Christmas entangled in Russian bureaucracy. They will be back soon. He has missed so much of his son's life and likes to show Ray the recordings from his webcam. Ray told him last night that he finds it hard to watch this son when his own is missing. His friends son is almost a year older than George would have been but they would have been brought together as friends. Ray's friend "went a bit quiet for a while".

Ray listens to me and he understands but he doesn't talk a great deal about George himself. He told me last night that none of his friends mention what happened with him and he thinks it's a sort of taboo subject with the "boys".


9 comments:

  1. Generalising HUGELY, I'd say boys don't know what to say. I'm so glad Ray has you. And I'm so sorry, again. xxxxx

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  2. Simon is off with a boy today (playing golf, eek) and I know Hope wont come up once. Yes yes, men and women grieve differently. I could sit and talk about her all day until I go blue in the face, where as Simon likes to stay quiet on the whole topic. I know how much he hurts though, and Ray does, too.

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  3. right on, ray! he told him. that is brave, and more than most men i know would do. i don't pretend to be an expert on the male brain, but it seems more than taboo to me. it seems terrifying to men to talk of our babies and their grief...this blog post came at a very interesting and coincidental time for me. thanks, barb.

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  4. Men want to fix things, unfortunately, the death of a much loved and missed child can't be "fixed".
    I abide with Ray for his grief over sweet George and am thankful he has the most Wonderfullest Barbara in his life, heart, and home.

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  5. Yup, David's guy friends don't bring Ezra up at all, unless David brings him up. Guys handle the grief so differently

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  6. I am so glad to hear that Ray was able to be honest with his friend and express just what he was thinking about. It is SO important to be able to do that. I am proud of him. Now I am curious to ask Chad if he has mentioned Clarence like that with anyone other than our families or me. My guess is no. You let Ray know we all admire him for his courage. ((Hugs)) to both of you!

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  7. I'm glad Ray can talk to you. I think many men feel that they have to keep a curtain over their feelings to help us. Peter and I talk all the time, cry when we need to, hold... But, I know a lot of his men friends dont bring it up or talk about it. It is taboo, I think. They dont want to watch their guy pal break down.

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  8. I heard at my recent conference that men, bereaved fathers I mean, take 7-10 years to really process their loss to the point of emotional integration. Yeah- I gaped too...but my Jer is nearly nine years out and just starting to talk about her to others...

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