It's hard to be light hearted when you feel as if you have a lead weight in your chest.

Ray left this morning to paint a house and I ended up wailing on the bathroom floor. Not because he left; I'm glad he didn't see one more meltdown, he's seen enough. Wailing because I felt so sad. Too sad. I never realised exactly how much I wanted to be a mother until we lost our son. We always said "wouldn't it be nice if..." It was as if I felt all of the sadness of the last 10 months all in an instant. And it floored me.

I'm sick and tired of wanting. Remember when you were a kid and all the cool kids had that thing that was amazing and incredible and for a while it was the most important thing in the whole wide impossible uncontrollable world and nothing else would do and you begged and pleaded and bargained for it? That powerless powerful want. You know that want don't you, unless of course you were one of those cool kids that got everything first and best, in which case pffttthhht! (Not pffthhht at those of you that have that wonderful thing now of course.)

You see my period started yesterday. I thought it was due on tuesday because I thought I ovulated earlier, the peesticks told me so and I felt the usual twinge, I'm sure I did. Maybe I ovulated twice, maybe I need peesticks that are less sensitive, maybe it was a bad egg. So I hoped for three days. In fact entirely foolishly hoped, because the oh-shit-my-period-is-coming-fuck cramps started four days ago which seems to be my new normal these days so there shouldn't really have been any room for hope. Once again I am as regular as clockwork, cd 27. I suppose I should be comforted by that. I suppose.

So yeah, optimism shmoptimism indeed.

And just to let the universe know, I'm taking a break this next cycle. No, no, I am not giving up but right now I am too tired. I hereby declare: No peeing anywhere other than directly into the toilet. No counting the days. No trying and no symptom sorting. Just being. Just breathing. I want to offer up my next turn to Danielle, to Rachel, to Monique, to Bir and to anyone else out there trying and wanting. Fertility and conception vibes to be directed their way please.

Right now I'm tucking into a bag of pick-and-mix sweets. Too much sugar, too many calories, too much soursweet. I'm going to feel sick when I've finished but right now I don't care. I feel entirely 8 years old and powerless. I might even stamp my feet.

I'm going to pull myself together soon, find some heartburn medication and then get on with some jewellery orders.

Sarah and David

I'm thinking about you and Ezra today.

Wishing life was so different for you today.

Wishing love, light, peace and happiness your way.

Wishing all good things as you continue your path with your Sunflower boy.

Optimism shmoptimism

No I'm not quite there yet but the hormonal tears have dried up for now and I've been distracting myself by making bracelets.

I'm putting them up for sale in the next couple of days (hint). They are well and truly one of a kind, never to be repeated originals! (how am I doing with the sales talk?) They are made from recycled sterling silver chain, sheet and beads. I'm going to make a little "signature tag" to attach to them tomorrow to complete them. Well, not quite complete because they haven't been stamped with names, dates or messages yet!

Your opinions please!

On this one, the round tag says hope and the rectangular tag says peace, the heart is covered in love. The stones are onyx.

This one has a cut out rose that I originally made 20 years ago (!!!) as earrings! There is a leaf charm, a spiral charm and an amber charm.

I changed one of the stones on this, the first one I made. Moonstone and rose quartz. the round tag says hope and the heart says love.

This evening I feel satisfied that I can indeed create something.
(insert that-smily-that-has-a-lopsided-slightly-ironic-smile here)

PS does any one have a lucky fertility monitor that they don't need (whoop for you!) any more? Will pass it on when it's done it's job for me.


Oh, and I'm mostly ok. Thank you all for your messages of support and hugs. They are very much appreciated. Very much indeed.

The skin I'm in...

... doesn't fit any more.

Some days I look in the mirror and I don't recognise me. There's too much age; too much weight; there's a spark missing; I'm lacking in motherhood and there's too much sad in the eyes that stare back at the me that should be holding George.

Other days I feel more me than I ever did in my teens, twenties or thirties.

Admittedly these non-fitting days are days that usually have somewhere in the region of "14dpo" attached to them so I try not to pay too much attention to the hormone riddled, disappointed, bloated brain that over-thinks over-dramatic thoughts of this calibre. But still. There they are these thoughts, nudging, insisting and nibbling away at hope.

As soon as my period arrives, which I'm sure it will by Tuesday, after a huge rush of the "Waaaaah, why me's" I start to get over it, start planning, start hoping and start wishing again. It is just so very very tiring being a hostage to time.

And for now, if you don't mind, I feel like crying big fat hormonal tears. Feel free to look the other way and I'll be back shortly with some optimism.