Under the tree

On the last Friday of each month, the most marvellously magnificent Carly will be hosting "Under the tree"


In her own words,

"So my plan is this. On the last Friday of each month I will post a few questions on here. If you would like to be a part of this support network you can copy and paste the questions to your own blog. Once you have answered them you can copy and paste the link from your blog in a comment here for others mothers to find you. If you don't have a blog and would still like to take part you can leave your answers in a comment. ... I find that my work in the names site introduces me to so many newly bereaved women who have blogs with no readers and zero comments, which means no support. I want that to change."

Me too! Without this support network of marvellous babylost parents my life would be a much darker place.


"So here's to our first gathering under the tree"


I'm late, I know, I know, forgive me please!!!

How long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?

I started this blog on the morning of the 27th October 2008, 7 days after losing George. In the afternoon I was rushed back into hospital, bleeding heavily, dizzy and scared, for an emergency D&C to removed bits of placenta.

I blogged quite a lot before on my MySpace page. Since losing George I haven't played much over there and I'm more often to be found twittering or on facebook.

When I began I had so many thoughts and feelings rushing about my head that I needed an outlet. I use it as a way of sorting out my thoughts, recording my grief and connecting with the amazing community I found here. You mean what I'm feeling is normal?

I'm not sure what I want from it. Promising myself to blog every day forces me to organise those thoughts and feelings and sometimes the act of putting them down on the screen helps in my understanding and acceptance of this grief journey. This day is done, this is what I want to share, bring on the next day.

If in sharing, there is one other person who has thought, "oh yes, me too" then I think I'm doing something worthwhile.

Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?

Here. There is the expectation out there in the real world to hurry up and get over it, move on, pick yourself up, dust yourself off. Hide your pain from the world. But I won't be hurried, I won't be pushed and I insist on allowing myself the time to feel whatever I feel and it makes people uncomfortable.

I talk to Ray and there are a couple of people that understand out there but even they don't want to hear about it all the time. Goodness, even I don't want to hear about my grief all the time!

Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?

Not really, I read Elizabeth McCrackens book and although I empathised, it didn't really speak to me. I haven't read anything else on the subject of dead babies.

How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. How have you changed, who are you today?

I was lighter. Now I carry the weight of our dead son. Ray and I had only been together for a year when we got pregnant and everything was wonderful. I knew about miscarriage and stillbirth but I don't think I realised how often it happens but of course, it wasn't going to happen to me.

I have skirted around depression in the past as I am doing now. We eye each other warily without getting too close. I think fighting it makes it worse. Yesterday I was happy and then depressed for a while and today I'm fine. It's normal. It's not out of control and I know it will pass.

Today in some ways I am stronger and in others so much more fragile. I always thought I might want a child; now I know for sure. I'm more aware of time passing than before. Days since Goerge, weeks between hospital appointments, days before due date, time left of babymaking years. My world has higher highs and lower lows than before. I feel more. I laugh more. I cry more. I empathise more. I appreciate more.

How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?

I'm doing quite well. All things considered. I think.

In a year? I think that's obvious isn't it?!