Monday, 23 February 2009

Uncertain

At the moment I'm not entirely sure how I feel. I'm not unhappy and I'm not sad but I'm not quite happy either. Still in limbo then?

I meet each moment head on and I often pause during the day to ask myself how I feel. Some things bother me and other things that I think will bother me don't.

Yesterday I cried because lovely Martha wrote that she agreed that George does indeed look like Ray. I don't always do that. It was a nice-sad-warm feeling. Thank you for that gift Martha!

I don't know how I will feel on George's due date. I've never had to face my dead baby's due date before so I've nothing to measure this against. I'm expecting sadness, but then I tell myself that I shouldn't expect anything and I should just let in whatever feelings arrive at whatever point they arrive. I don't want to feel sad just because I think I should feel sad.

I'm not sure how to mark the day either. I'm not even sure that it needs to be marked.


7 comments:

  1. Oh, Barbara, I didn't mean to make you cry, but you are so welcome. (that sounds kind of mean)
    I wish you all the peace and comfort, ((Hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  2. I feel like I'm in limbo too.

    I say you leave the due date day open to whatever mood strikes you. I was numb on Ezra's due date, the feelings of disbelief just raining down all the harder.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I feel numb sometimes - not happy - not sad, maybe bored. I hate feeling bored or numb. I wish for you love Barbara, just that the feeling of love.

    I didn't do anything special on Christian's due date, His most special date had already happened.

    You do whatever you feel is good Barbara.

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. The above comments hold more wisdom than anything I could say.
    So, ditto.

    My wish for you is that you feel love, peace and support from others, even those of us you don't know.

    ((hugs))

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  5. I really don't have much to add except that I feel the same way and wonder the same things about Clarence's due date. You're right though. I don't want to be sad just b/c I feel like I should. I hope that we both can just live in the moment that day and just be. ((HUGS)) to you!

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  6. Everyone is different, and each grief process is something individual.... but for me this was a normal thing. I would have good days and bad, but lots of these sort of in between days where I just felt... in the middle. I don't think it's positive or negative, just the way you are processing. I do think it says something good about how you are coping, because it is certainly better than every day being crippling and horrible. Those days will still come, but maybe a little less often.

    And don't feel bad about the good days either. I remember feeling guilty if I had a good day early on, but you shouldn't. Enjoy the good days, and find healthy ways to get through the bad ones.

    As for marking George's due date... that is such a personal thing. I didn't do anything special, even though that day is also my birthday. I went to visit my parents for the weekend, slept in, and hung out on their couch. Some people throw birthday parties, release balloons, or buy themselves something special to commemorate. I say just spend some time thinking about what you would like, and then do it! There is no wrong thing, no etiquette book for loss.

    Whatever you do, keep smiling when you can. You are so amazing, so strong.

    ReplyDelete

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