Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Something in the air

On my own this afternoon as Ray is doing computer stuff for someone. I went out to get milk, bread, chocolate. Just the essentials.

Walking home I started to feel... sad. It came from nowhere. I wasn't thinking sad thoughts, I was concentrating on not putting any weight on my painful heel (will be discussing it with Dr Compassion tomorrow). Small tears welled in the corners of my eyes and that oh so familiar feeling of emptiness whooshed through me.

Spring is definitely in the air over here. That smell of damp earth and green things beginning to grow permeates the air. The smell of potential. My baby would have been a spring baby born in March. Sometimes I think I'll be ok when 5th March comes around and other times I think I'll fold up and blow away in the breeze.

I'm ok now. I know I'm understood in here. And when Ray gets back I'll tell the person out here who understands.


9 comments:

  1. That sadness does seem to drift in like a breeze, doesn't it? The change of seasons to the one when our sons should have arrived is bittersweet. We'll all be here for you on 5 March, and all the days before and after.

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  2. With each change of season, or even a hint of a change, I feel anxious. Subtle, but there all the same. The approach of Fall is most emotional for me, but as Spring approaches, I feel the stirrings within.

    I hope March 5th arrives with a breeze of peace and love.

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  3. Spring is such a hopeful time, yet tinged by your season of "potential". Oh Barbara - be nice to your heal. I have that PF thing too! (getting a cortizone shot so I can get through our CRAZY busy waitressing week here in the snowy mountains!) Hang in and - as ouchy as it sounds - stretch it!

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  4. The changing season is making me sad too...I don't know where the time went, or quite how we got "here". The due date is hard...but like the other hard dates, you will get beyond it, and all of us are here to prop you up.

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  5. You'll withstand the maelstrom of George's due date, but you may end up a bit tousled. Hopefully it hits you with love and peace and joy.

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  6. We'll be here with you in all seasons.

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  7. It's about a year since John left me, and March 17 2008 is the day in infamy when my mental state crashed. I think it is inevitable to feel a sense of blue when life changing milestones/anniversaries roll by. Some are worth celebrating and some and painfully relived. I hear you and I'm happy that's Ray for you. May the spring bring you a sense of new beginnings and hope beyond the tears.

    Love and hugs!

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  8. I understand. I know. I love you Barbara, we all do x

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