Sunday, 8 February 2009
Waiting for the tears that didn't fall
I found two pregnancy tests today while looking for something in my bedside drawer. Two of the five, yes five, that I used over 4 days to confirm George's life had begun. The lines have faded to nothing. That seemed such a big sad thing that I sat and stared at them for a while wondering and waiting for the tears. I didn't cry but I can't bring myself to throw them out. Silly little thing really, they are after all just sticks that I've peed on. One day I want to be able to throw them out. But not yet.
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I did the same thing at the beginning of Ezra's life...I think I took 4 pregnancy tests before I could really admit to myself it was really true.
ReplyDeleteI took pictures of mine, and that made them easier to throw out when I was ready... which wasn't for quite a while. Take your time!
ReplyDelete((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteWe have a photo of ours, too- I can't look at it now, but am hoping that one day it will feel like the happy memory that, in fact, it was.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you.
There is no rush. Take your time. And be good to yourself.
ReplyDeleteBut is nice sometimes when the tears you anticipate don't appear, no?
Hold on to whatever you need - for as long as you need.
ReplyDeleteWe have to have tangible reminders - we just do.
It was nice not to cry, yes. And I do have photos of the fifth digital one that said "pregnant" but not the others.
ReplyDeleteI peed on one stick only, never took a pic and promptly threw it out. I mean gross, who keeps stuff they peed on? But that's becuase I never thought that at the end of it all, she wouldn't be here. How I wish I had it now, as one more reminder that she was real, and she was here. 5am Thursday 13 December 2007 is when I took that test. So fucking happy that day. Seems like a life time ago now. It was. Her life time.....
ReplyDeleteI just went through this same thing. I don't know if I will ever throw them out. You do what is right for you. They represent a happy moment.
ReplyDeletei tagged you for an award.....
ReplyDelete