Tuesday, 9 December 2008

A sharp stone in my belly.

Today a friend shared something she was told,
"Grief is like a very sharp stone in your belly. You carry it with you and the sharp corners wear away until you just feel the weight of the stone and not the pain."

I have to say, that moment can't come quickly enough for me. Right now, at this moment, it's still far too sharp.

I am SO impatient to be well again physically because the closer I get to wellness the closer we will be to trying for another baby made with love and for goodness sake I'm 41, I don't want to hang around too long! But I think that even if I were younger I would still be impatient to do some mothering to a live baby. I had a store of cuddles saved up for George and empty arms just don't do it.

Emotional wellness, well that's a different matter. I have promised myself all the time I need and most of this time I can accept the good days and the bad days for what they are but sometimes I forget that promise and become frustrated with the tears and the sadness and the anger and just the whole sad sorry situation. I want out. I don't want to be here in this small dark place of grief any more. I want some light back, a big blazing expansive flood of light, much more than just the odd glimmer here and there.

I want to feel whole and happy.

And pregnant.


Today I think the stone might be in my heart.

9 comments:

  1. That is a great quote. Where from? (besides your friend, of course)

    Yes, I have to concurr. The weight is what I feel now. Emotional welness? Maybe - but I'm not convinced I'll ever feel that. I take emotion ACTION and that feels good.

    Be gentle with yourself..but kick your dr's in the heiny to get you physically well!

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  2. I hear you- this is exactly what I feel. Sometimes I'll hear myself saying, "But I coped YESTERDAY", as if I should only have to be a good sport for a finite number of days and then I get to be through with it. No such luck. But I trust that the light is out there- we'll find it.

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  3. Cara, I don't know where the quote came from, apart from the friend of my friend. Will do some investigating.

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  4. It's a long process to get to the smooth edges. Some of mine are wearing down, and the sharp edges have settled into positions that don't stab, but every once and a while, that stone gets tossed about and scrapes and stabs again. and the wieght is there...

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  5. Danielle, we will find it.

    Ya Chun, it's a remarkably accurate analogy isn't it, and one hell of a process.

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  6. "I want to feel whole and happy.

    And pregnant."

    Amen to that Barbara!!

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  7. I hope you get well soon - and hoping you have a lot of good sex (and pregnancy) in your future.

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  8. Physical and emotional wellness are connected to one another. I hope that you are able to get back in the groove again soon. While the loss of George can never be compensated, life has to go on and you have to survive. Be good.

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  9. That quote describes it all too well. Grief is so incredibly physical.

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