Thursday, 18 December 2008

The impatient body.

I got my period today. A proper period this time, on time, exactly 28 days after the last bleeding that was probably a period but didn't feel like a period but like a problem from the d&c (I blame my doctor who said it was too early). I'm badly crampy and I think it's going to be clotty and heavy and now I have something to blame, fibroids! I can feel the big one with my hand and I so want to dig it out and stamp on it. (god that sounds disgusting! So sorry if you've just eaten.) I'm moody, very tearful and oh crap, I shouldn't be going shopping for yet more sanitary protection, I should be shopping for babygrows and stockpiling nappies.

Ray doesn't really understand the tears, he sees it as my body working properly and getting ready for a new pregnancy. He's the one who reminds me to take my vitamins, reminds me to order decaffeinated and watches my chocolate intake (I cheat on that one). I see this as just one step further away from my baby ... and now that I've written it out I can clearly see the glass half full/half empty type thing going on here and need to adjust my sight: I'm not a half-empty person, I need to look forward, not back and take George forward with me rather than staying in one place with him.

The radio station I normally listen to is having a talk-in about "what were you doing when your waters broke". Pffffftt! I wonder, do they really want to know?

Today I'm hunkering down and preparing for a bad one.

6 comments:

  1. I hope your day brightens Barbara. Moving forward doesn't mean forgetting. George will be with you in your heart and mind always, through the good times and the low times.

    Take something for your cramping and enjoy some chocolate! As I read your post Ray reminded me of how Sam was :)

    Thinking of you tonight :)

    xxxxx

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  2. Yes, midol, chocolate, heating pad and bad tv sound like they are in order. I'm sorry you're having a bad day.

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  3. George will always be with you and Ray. I'm sorry you are having a rough day, you certainly are entitled to chocolate and lots of it!

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  4. All I can say is I've cried through each period I've had since Ezra died. Too much of a physical reminder that he's not here, that I'm not pregnant with him or any other baby. Hugs to you.

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  5. And there's the rub...not so much the half full empty thing but the there are two ways to interpret this action: how it relates to the baby we lost and what it means for the one who is to come.

    That dual perspective is yours forever. In love an understanding.

    xoxo

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  6. hah! what was i doing when my waters broke? well i never noticed, hence why she's not here. i'm glad your body is getting back on track barbara. perhaps little george is helping his mummy with that? i hope so.

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