The postmortem.

No, there wasn't one performed on George, he was perfect.

This was our first visit back to the hospital to see the obstetrician who performed the painful CVS test that told us that George didn't have Downes syndrome or Trisomy 18 when we were given a high risk; who was there to tell me what I already knew, that yes, my baby was dead; who was the one to stick needles in my ladybits because I just couldn't pee before I gave birth to our George. Who came back after the placenta came out to scan me and decided not to order a D&C which might possibly have prevented the week later rush to hospital.

I have very mixed feelings towards this woman and wasn't quite sure how I would react to her today.

However, she was kindness itself. Of course I burst into tears as soon as she asked me how I was, but then she held my hand and told me it would be abnormal if I didn't cry. She said I should cry. Ray held my other hand tightly.

We have no definite answers. It is possible that one of the three fibroids (which I didn't know about until my first scan) got in the way by growing inside the womb instead of in the wall of the womb and it's also possible that my body didn't absorb enough folic acid which makes for a healthy placenta.

So, I'm getting investigated. In January I'm having a special scan involving some sort of dye injection (I can't remember the details, it was all rather emotional) to see what the fibroids look like without the effect of pregnancy hormones and then we'll discus surgery or no surgery and perhaps get a second opinion (her words). And when, that's when we get pregnant again I'll be prescribed a high dose of folic acid and monitored closely.

She swabbed me to check for infection and gave me the gentlest internal exam I've ever had. My womb is still bigger than it should be but that's the largest of the three fibroids hanging around and causing the occasional crampy feeling.

My feelings towards this woman are no longer ambivalent. I feel reassured by her and I feel that I'm being cared for. That whatever stupid problems caused my sweet George to die are going to be addressed. I feel optimistic that all will be done to keep our next baby safe. We've been advised to not try to conceive until we have test results. This sucks, of course I want to be pregnant again as soon as possible.

But most of all, I feel so terribly, terribly sad that I'm not carrying our son any more.



I want to thank all of you who left such encouraging comments yesterday about the insensitive woman I encountered. I have not and I will not let her remarks dig too deeply into me. But I think that if I hadn't found this safe place to talk about my grief and pain it would have been very different. You all help me to be strong. Thank you.


Today was difficult.