I had a bit of a revelation today. I was consciously thinking of the future again, maybe even meditating, imagining holding our second child and all the fears that would go along with the pregnancy and then I realised that I was thinking of this baby as a she (I even tried imagining twins and they were both girls).
During my pregnancy with George he was always a boy to both of us and even as I struggled to get a look at him after his birth and asked his sex, we already knew the answer. One woman at work had even accused me of knowing his sex and keeping it from them when I'd said, "him" a few times and told them that I didn't actually know. (One of those who has yet to acknowledge my loss incidentally. Meh, I never liked her much anyway!)
The strangest thing about this was that we just could not find a boys name. We even started watching tv programmes to the credits to get some ideas. We'd settled on Clint as his in-utero name (or Clintina for a girl!) and everyone begged us not to let it stick! Oh... I've just remembered that I wrote a card to my Mum and Dad on their 50th wedding anniversary in September and signed it from "Clint or Clintina".
Ray chose George when I was crying for our dead baby to have a name. It was my grandfathers name and had been high on my list but we'd dismissed it because a friend had a dog called George. I think if it's possible I actually love Ray a tiny bit more for taking that decision for me.
We still have two girls names ready and waiting.
I wonder, did any of you have similar feelings before you even conceived or while you were pregnant? Where you right? Do you have any feelings now for children to come? What, if any, were your in-utero names? Nosey aren't I?
I never had a preference on sex and still don't. Just healthy ... and living. Especially living.
Today we've been driving and I've been cramping. Grrr.
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I had very similiar feelings, Barbara. I think the baby I lost was a girl, but not sure, it was too early.
ReplyDeleteI knew my two sons were going to be boys even though we didn't find out officially, I just knew. I didn't have any in utero nicknames, just the "baby" or the "soccer player", (I mean "football") I was scared and worried, but tried to maintain a positive and hopeful outlook. I sincerely wish the best for you and Ray and a beautiful, healthy babe, no matter girl or boy.
We also intuited that we were having a boy, although we did find out for sure at the 20 week u/s. And we had Ezra Malik picked out as our boy's name long before we were even serious about marrying each other. We were having a conversation about IF we stayed together and IF we had a child, how would we choose a name that was culturally relevant to both of us. In the Jewish tradition you pick names after people who have passed, so the E is for my grandfather Eugene and the M is for my grandmother Marion. But also Ezra is Hebrew and Malik, though Arabic, is a common African-American name. We struggled so much more with a girl's name and still aren't 100% clear on what we'd name a girl. In short, when the 20 wk u/s confirmed what we already knew, that our first child was a son, we knew he was Ezra Malik. The rest, of course, is not what we anticipated...
ReplyDeleteI too seem to only be able to envision a girl as my second child...not quite sure why that is.
I knew somehow I was having a boy, just knew. We never wanted to know the sex. We chose Samuel as that is Norm's given name and Marc for my twin brother. When I asked him if it was okay to name him after him, he told me he was honoured. That still makes me cry a little. He wanted a little nephew or neice so badly, didn't matter to him, he was teaching them to play hockey regardless.
ReplyDeleteAnd as I've told you many times before, I love George as that is my father's name and is on the list of potentials for "next time" if there is one.
Barbara- I knew with Emma and The Comedian, but I convinced myself with Bear that she was a boy because I just couldn't think of having another girl after losing one. I bawled when the lab tech told me. I even questioned her accuracy.
ReplyDeleteRegarding names - I picked Emma Grace. After that I couldn't pick another girl name. It was too hard for me, for some reason. I had a boy's name all lined up for five years..Samuel Paul - but he never graced our family. My husband took over the naming department and he did such an amazing job - they are classic and elegent yet not widely used. I am so in love with his choices.
My grandfathers name was also George :) I just love that name :)
ReplyDeleteLast week I dreamt of Christian for the second time. He was a little baby, he was healthy. I knew it was Christian but the name Michael was echoing throughout the entire dream.
I don't know what it means, but if I were to fall pregnant again, Michael will be on the cards for a little boys name.
Wishing beautiful visions for your future :)
Hope was never our girl name. Even though I always suspected I was having a boy, I only had a girl's name picked out. The one boy name we liked was Leo, but we were a bit torn on it because the baby was going to be a Leo! Then I had a girl, but I chose to give her a different name - the name Hope came to me just after I had her. It seemed so fitting at the time as hope was all I had left. I torture myself a bit with this now as I feel a bit bad for "saving" my girl name. Now I worry I wont ever have another girl, and I'll never get to use my most favourite girl name. I really do want another girl, bur I can more imagine having a boy next time. I think she's my girl who got away. But of course, alive and healthy more than anything, that's the main thing.
ReplyDeleteI, too, knew all along that we were having a boy, even though everyone suspected it was a girl because of all the old folk tales (bad morning sickness, the way I was carrying, etc.) We didn't use our boy name- one we had picked out long before we were married, after a friend's 6 year-old daughter asked us what we would name a baby if we got married. We figured it out in the car on the way home- and at that point our relationship was still very young.
ReplyDeleteIn the end, we didn't find out Kai's sex until after we lost him- so, as you know, we gave him a name that meant "water" because he was now our water baby.
As to girls' names, one of our two top choices is now out, because Alan wrote the most beautiful song for our baby where he used it, after we lost Kai but before we found out that he was a he. So we have one girl's name and one boy's name left, and I pray that we get to use them.
George is so very much your son that I imagine that it's hard to imagine having a son who _isn't_ George. Hoping that whoever the new little one turns out to be, you and Ray don't have to wait long before you get to share all that love with George's brother or sister.
My daughter would have been Julia Marie, after our mothers' middle names.
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