The Secret Garden Meeting - July
How do you see or imagine your baby now that you do not have him with you?
Sometimes, when we are adventuring somewhere in the car, I look over my shoulder and half-glimpse from the corner of my eye, just out of view, the car seat, the sticky face and the dirty knees and half-hear the giggle of a contented little boy, but mostly George feels so very far away.
I miss the boy he would have been but I can't see him clearly now, even in a dream/daydream his face was blurred. He is almost not-real any more but to use a phrase from another lostbaby mum, the absence of his presence is everywhere.
How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?
There is no other pregnancy as of now and I am terrified that there will be no other baby, no other pregnancy, no other hopeful and terrifying time. Realistically, I don't have too much reproductive time left and each time a cycle ends in a period (as it has this evening) it cracks open my heart a little bit more to think that my one tiny dead baby boy might be it.