Sunday, 2 August 2009

The Secret Garden Meeting - July

The Secret Garden Meeting - July


How do you see or imagine your baby now that you do not have him with you?

Sometimes, when we are adventuring somewhere in the car, I look over my shoulder and half-glimpse from the corner of my eye, just out of view, the car seat, the sticky face and the dirty knees and half-hear the giggle of a contented little boy, but mostly George feels so very far away.

I miss the boy he would have been but I can't see him clearly now, even in a dream/daydream his face was blurred. He is almost not-real any more but to use a phrase from another lostbaby mum, the absence of his presence is everywhere.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

There is no other pregnancy as of now and I am terrified that there will be no other baby, no other pregnancy, no other hopeful and terrifying time. Realistically, I don't have too much reproductive time left and each time a cycle ends in a period (as it has this evening) it cracks open my heart a little bit more to think that my one tiny dead baby boy might be it.


9 comments:

  1. Barbara, sweetie- I'm right there with you in worrying that Kai is as close as I'll ever get to having a baby to love. But, in the words of a very dear friend of mine, I am wishing, sending, _willing_ you hope. Many days the most hopeful thought I have is of flying over to England to meet your new little one, arms full of presents and heart full of joy.

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  2. Wishing and hoping for both you and Dani and so many others.
    xo

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  3. Ah- your car seat vision was something I too saw. It was odd because I would look back there and it would make me so mad that it wasn't there- and yet I saw it for so long- even though he never actually sat in it.
    I am hoping that you will find yourself with a new life growing inside soon- and how sweet to have a little angelt to watch over you both.
    Hugs-
    Laura

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  4. ((Hugs)). A very touching post. I really identified with these feelings strongly.

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  5. I have been known to glance in the rearview mirror and swear that there are carseats in the backseat...

    Sending hugs...

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  6. It is frightening to feel our babies slip away into the fog of memory. I wish George were here with you.

    ((((hugs))))

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  7. Barbara,

    A very moving post. I wish, with all my might, that you had happy news today.

    Although I am facing another month of no-pregnancy, I do have Stella (Minnie) and I will be eternally grateful. When I complain about our current stuggles with fertility, I realise it must sound pretty shitty to you given we have a daughter - I never mean for it to come across like that. You know I know loss and you know I know this struggle. I just wish you had the other great big thing I have... xxx

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  8. I am so sorry you are still in the struggle of trying to conceive...I can only imagine how agonizing that part of the journey is for you, and how empty my words probably feel....
    I often send love your way, willing you on to become pregnant once again.
    Hugs to you.

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  9. phooey on your period showing up again this month. doesn't it know it's not welcome anymore?! will send you conception vibes for next cycle.
    XO
    ps. i wrote one of your poems to george down (i miss your life in my life) and posted it on my wall next to Leila's footprints. i hope you don't mind. it's just so beautiful and i love it so much, it's perfect. <3

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