Sunday, 30 August 2009

It's hard to be light hearted when you feel as if you have a lead weight in your chest.

Ray left this morning to paint a house and I ended up wailing on the bathroom floor. Not because he left; I'm glad he didn't see one more meltdown, he's seen enough. Wailing because I felt so sad. Too sad. I never realised exactly how much I wanted to be a mother until we lost our son. We always said "wouldn't it be nice if..." It was as if I felt all of the sadness of the last 10 months all in an instant. And it floored me.

I'm sick and tired of wanting. Remember when you were a kid and all the cool kids had that thing that was amazing and incredible and for a while it was the most important thing in the whole wide impossible uncontrollable world and nothing else would do and you begged and pleaded and bargained for it? That powerless powerful want. You know that want don't you, unless of course you were one of those cool kids that got everything first and best, in which case pffttthhht! (Not pffthhht at those of you that have that wonderful thing now of course.)

You see my period started yesterday. I thought it was due on tuesday because I thought I ovulated earlier, the peesticks told me so and I felt the usual twinge, I'm sure I did. Maybe I ovulated twice, maybe I need peesticks that are less sensitive, maybe it was a bad egg. So I hoped for three days. In fact entirely foolishly hoped, because the oh-shit-my-period-is-coming-fuck cramps started four days ago which seems to be my new normal these days so there shouldn't really have been any room for hope. Once again I am as regular as clockwork, cd 27. I suppose I should be comforted by that. I suppose.

So yeah, optimism shmoptimism indeed.

And just to let the universe know, I'm taking a break this next cycle. No, no, I am not giving up but right now I am too tired. I hereby declare: No peeing anywhere other than directly into the toilet. No counting the days. No trying and no symptom sorting. Just being. Just breathing. I want to offer up my next turn to Danielle, to Rachel, to Monique, to Bir and to anyone else out there trying and wanting. Fertility and conception vibes to be directed their way please.

Right now I'm tucking into a bag of pick-and-mix sweets. Too much sugar, too many calories, too much soursweet. I'm going to feel sick when I've finished but right now I don't care. I feel entirely 8 years old and powerless. I might even stamp my feet.

I'm going to pull myself together soon, find some heartburn medication and then get on with some jewellery orders.


  1. Well pffft to AF!!! This is the shittest journey I've been on, this whole ttc after loss. Seriously. If I ever thought I had it tough at any period in my life, I take it back!
    Thanks for the conception vibes... I too am kind of taking a break. No temping, no peesticks, no symptom hunting, and as little as possible hoping, although amazingly enough that seems to be the one out of my control!!
    It's gotta happen Barb. For all of us! It's just gotta!!!

  2. I hate those moments on the bathroom floor. I hate that sick feeling from eating too many sweets that hit right before you finish the bag but you finish them anyway. I hate that you are sad.

    I do, however, love your new bracelets. Keep pounding it out, Barb. How you manage to direct and focus and create things so lovely...small consolation, I know. But you are making beautiful things.

    Taking a break, if only for a month, may be a good idea. I wish I had a formula for how to stay sane amidst all of this. Sadly, I think it would still include some days on the bathroom floor and bags of sweets.

  3. Just be and breathe Barb.

    I love you xx

    I am so sorry x

  4. Oh Barb... I am sending you a big hug right now. I'm had my sobs on the floor too, when it just hits you so hard. When your heart is torn from your chest and you cant breathe. When the realization that your baby/babies has/have died and that truth suddenly becomes as clear as day. It hurts so much. I am so sorry for your pain right now. Reaching out to you across the giant pond and sending love.

  5. Why is life so incredibly unfair?! I'm mad at the universe for you today. Obviously more than anything I hate that your period had to arrive, but if it has to happen, maybe you could at least be spared the physical pain of cramps. F-ing cramps!
    I WANT you to have the baby you so obviously deserve. As much as I'm cursing the universe right now I'm also pleading to it to please, please, pretty pleeeease make this happen for you!!
    Sending my love. xo

  6. I so desperately wish George was here.

  7. Stomp away, my dear.

    I remember those moments. Most of mine were before I got pregnant the first time, and I wondered whether it would ever happen. I did most of my wailing in the shower, because I, too, didn't want B to see. I found myself crumpled on the floor under the pounding water. . . As I moved from wailing to screaming, I'd bring my ipod player into the bathroom and put some really angry girl music on really loud, and sing (scream) as loud as I could and stomped around, just doing my best to not have my razor in my hand at the time :)

    Sorry about your period starting. Totally sucks. Hope the break cycle soothes your soul just a bit. They always did wonders, emotionally, for B and I.

  8. I am so sorry...I hate her too (AF.) I hate her for you, for me, and for all of the others TTC. Best wishes while you are taking a break. xx

  9. We are not always given what we really want even if we deserve it and earn it and are able and willing to care for it ...even if we value it more than life itself and even if we want it so very much that there is nothing left in life but the want...we are not given it...and that is so very very sad.

  10. Thanks for the turn, hon- but I'd gladly trade it if it would bring you brighter days. Wish we could take a walk together and shake our fists at the universe and then have a cup of tea. WIsh it were all so different.

    Sending you love and hugs and tissues.

  11. Barb, you are a true friend, regardless that we have never met and that we most likely never will.

    You are sweet and kind and I am pissed off that the Universe is giving you this shit time. Universe - start listening and come to the party.

    And most of all I am sad that your George isn't here to make you smile.


  12. 'That powerless powerful want.' Yup.

    Ppffffffffffttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhttting at the universe on your behalf.

    Much love from another who cannot resist the siren call of too much pick-and-mix, xxxxx

  13. I'm sorry. It sucks. SUCKS! I know that want and the powerlessness behind it. Sounds like taking a break will be good for you. We took a break for the summer and it has been kind of nice not knowing what day of my cycle I'm on and no peeing, temping or charting. I feel cramps, then AF arrives, and it is dissapointing but less crushing since we were not really putting back breaking effort into the whole deal anyway. Or maybe after a year I've become apathetic and resigned to the fact my body is just not going to get pregnant.

    TTC is such an emotional dagger, especially when no little babies are made. Not fair at all. Kick and scream and eat all the candy you want. I bet you will create some wonderful jewelery with all that emotional turmoil. Not much consolation I know.

    Sending lots of love and ((((hugs)))))

  14. I'm sincerely sorry for all of your sadness and pain.

    I love you.

  15. yuck. i'm so sorry. it must be so hard. be gentle with yourself. i can see how it might feel good to mentally just put it all down right now. thinking of you lots.

    speaking of desire, i just ordered "your heart in my heart." i love it so much and have been craving it for my angel mae, who was around your george's gest age. i kept coming back to start at it and have finally pushed the button to order. thank you.

  16. just checking in, and sending you hugs! This is so not cool, universe!

    well, have plenty of fun *not trying* through this next month...

    (hey, have Ray's swimmers been checked? since you are doing the OPK, I would think you were ok)



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