Saturday, 7 August 2010

I don't want to be here

I don't want to be the mother of two lost babies.

I want to be the mother of one or perhaps even, no-way-you-got-pregnant-again?!

I don't want to be contemplating a life without children.

I want to be complaining of exhaustion and sleepless nights.

I don't want everything I blog about to relate to loss.

I want to blog about family and art and love and cats and fun.

I don't want to struggle to find 5 good things in a week.
I want to find good things everywhere.

I don't want to worry about whether my period-after-miscarriage is normal
or if I'm bleeding too much or not enough or cramping too much.

I want to be blissfully ignorant about hormones, peesticks,
supplements to help with ovulation or the age of my eggs.

          I don't want to read about your pain.

                                                                     I want to have found you blogging about your joy.

                            I don't want to know any of you people...

                                                                                  ...not like this.

                                                                                             But I am so glad I do.


  1. i find it so hard to accept that i've met such a lot of lovely people only because of the terrible pain that i've been through.

    i wish none of us had to be here. it's not fair that we are. but i'm still glad to have found such an amazing community.

  2. I too have met such wonderful people because of my loss. It is hard to be here...we are almost 4 months since our Abigail died and it is still so hard and it is what I write about...right now I do not know what else to write.

    keeping you in prayer (((HUGS)))

  3. yeah I know, I so know

    I don't even want to write all hopeful things for fear i might be wrong. I just want you to be happy and have serenity. I know its a lot to ask for at times.

    love to you and Ray

  4. It's a truly sucky way to encounter fabulous people. With love and wishes for good things.

  5. sending you much love and big hugs, Barb~praying for happier days ahead for you..

  6. Yes. To every word. And I'm sorry you're here. And I'm honored to know you.

  7. Agreed and so grateful as well. It really is the worst way possible to imagine being grateful for something, but as you said, so glad.

    Thinking of you and wishing you some peace and strength.

  8. Sending you love and hugs Barb. Thinking of you and Ray and hoping for better days to come.

  9. What beautiful way to articulate so much of what I feel.

    Sending love x

  10. this is a powerful piece - you should consider submitting to stillife365

    And I am glad to know you too - I just wish it were different circumstances.

    (Call the doctor tomorrow if you feel you need to)

  11. Exactly Barb.

    I wish we were all bursting with happy things to write about.

    Love to you xoxo



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